Having a fat day, lol. Caught the bus to uni instead of walking. Had Hungry Jack's for lunch. Hired more dvd's and bought Smarties and cream buns.

Meh. I'm happy :) lol

Don't cut. Don't cut. Don't cut. Don't cut. Don't Cut. You're going to see your parents in just under a month. That is not enough time to heal, and it will be summer, you can't cover it up.

Although, no one ever seems to notice.

Shush! What would it do to your parents?

At least I'm likely to live.

One day you won't, you'll cut too deep.

That's ok.

To you maybe, but you've been such a horrible burden to your parents already, the least you could do is put up with this soul-destroying agony so they don't feel guilty.

Are you the Angel or the Devil on my shoulder?

I'm whatever I need to be to make sure you don't have to see that look of disappointment in their eyes.

I miss Stanley.

He only hurt you.

That was the point. He is there for me, no one else ever is.

Harden up.

I can't. Don't you see that I can't? I'm so tired.

Go to your happy place.

I don't have one.

Make one.

I've tried. It's depressing, because it's not real. None of it is. I'm a fat, miserable, hideous failure. I will never help people. I will never make anyone happy. That's all I want, but it won't happen. I just make people mad.

You haven't tried hard enough.

This isn't a soap opera. This isn't a musical. Life isn't that easy. Happiness and acceptance of self doesn't automatically come with the dysfunctional but loving comraderie you have with your crazy family or nerd friends. People don't stick together. Selfish people don't learn to love. There is nothing beautiful in war. Killers do go free. The fat, miserable, hideous failure does not find a Prince Charming. She doesn't even get a toad. Wishes don't come true. Some crazy coincidence doesn't create the opportunity for the perfect career. There is no purpose or order to life. We are atoms and molecules that happened to form humans and now we are living because we can. It's just killing time. Sure, we can try to make something out of this nothing we have, but ultimately most of us will die with little more than we were born with. I have no talent to exploit, no looks to strut down a runway, no savantism to benefit from, no money to spend to make more, no high school diploma to become something important, no coordination to become an expert in Krav Maga and become a vigilante. I am nothing. I always will be, I am not going to delude myself into thinking otherwise.

...

Just finished the Glee book. They didn't put in the creepy pedo gay Sandy thing in, actually for the whole book he was at a Doll Convention (lol). I suppose, that didn't really work with the rest of the plot.

Ergh. I need to change pills. Irratic as ever, and for some reason the pain was here this month, at least I haven't had that. But the worst part is that time of the month my anti-depressants don't work. So yeah, pretty much bursting into tears for no apparent reason on a regular basis today and for the next week or so. *sigh*

Was having a shit day, just feelin' sick n stuffs. But then I got home and found my books had been delivered. :) The Glee novel, Nick's Dark Hunter novel and the 5th Sign of the Zodiac are now neatly on my shelf. I've been dying for these books.

And the Glee novel came with a poster, with either Finn and Rachel or Finn and Quinn :) I'm happy, both sides having Finn and all...

More packing. :) Put some stuff in my suitcase that I don't need and don't want to pack into storage by accident because I do want to take them to QLD.

Bought scales today, thought I lost weight but I gained it :( But I was doing it by measurements before and it's possible some is muscle which is heavier. But then, my legs are just fat now because I stopped walking as much as I used - so I fixed that. Walk to and from uni now, that should help. So I have no idea. Lol.

Holy crap, I was just brushing my teeth and a hunk of tooth came out! I was totally freaking out, except from the front you can't tell, and when I looked at where it came from, I don't think it's really meant to be there anyway. It was between two other teeth and behind one...er yeah hard to explain. No other teeth are lose, I've been noticing this bit moving when I brush my teeth. But I am goin to start skulling milk or something I think.

I'm going to be Simi for Halloween! The Charonte demon from Sherrilyn Kenyon's Dark Hunter series. It's great, coz she's a goth chick with wings and horns. So I just have to buy the wings and horns, instead of spending a fortune on a whole costume. I'm gonna carry a BBQ sauce bottle around too, coz she eats everything (people, dogs, steak, whatever) and carries BBQ sauce with her, lol.

Gahh. So tired. I really need to start studying. I have so much other crap to do next week.

I can't wait to get my sewing machine! My dress is going to be uber pretty :) Tis all cut out, just need my machine!