BOOKED MY FLIGHT TO GO BACK TO QUEENSLAND!! Eeeeee!! I can't wait!

Watched Glee last night (duh). I cried myself to sleep. I'm so lonely, I haven't cried that hard in months. It's always there, and I've cried of course, but this was that gut-wrenching body-racking kind of crying, with the pounding headache and the most unattractive of all the crying.

It was horrible, I couldn't even go talk to my best friend. I needed to go just cry, I didn't even need to talk, I just wanted a hug or something. But she doesn't want to know about it. She'd just end up mad at me and not talking to me. Loneliness added onto more lonliness.

Tomorrow's to-do list.

1. Get up at 7:30 to have a shower and wait for groceries be delivered. Really get up at 7:45 and answer door still in pj's.
2. Walk into Mowbray to buy 2 things. Really catch bus into Mowbray, buy 10 things.
3. Dye hair. Really dye the bathroom walls a little more and stain my shoulders, neck and top.
4. Do assignment. Really facebook.

Casey: "I've eaten 4 donuts today.." *guilty look*

Me: "I've eaten 4 crush TimTams, 6 lamington finger, half a box of shapes, half a choc-caramel barvarian, a cheeseburger and 2 coffees." Like, that was my whole day, at least her donuts were between decent meals. Lol.

No wonder I'm fat. Meh.








Please note; this is not a usual day for me.



Though lately it has been more commom. Junk food is cheap, and I am poor. Lol.

A guy asked for my advice on a car he is thinking of buying last night. It made my day. Also, he has good taste. Lol.

One sentence into writing my long put-off essay, pushing through a shocking headache and now next door is mowing their lawn. It's very noisy. I might cry.

I have to write a 2000 word essay on why Medea and Aclestis can be considered heroic. If you're a scorned woman Medea is your idol. I have no idea who Aclestis is. But, I can tell it's going to be a total bitch trying to get 2000 words out of this.

I want to cry. I want to yell and scream and throw things. These next two assignments have the potential to shatter my already fracture psyche.

Halleluja

So I've been freezing and hibernating so long I forgot what it felt like to be hot. But today, I'm wearing shorts and a t-shirt and sitting in my room, and I'm almost hot. Last night I was sweating under just one blanket.
I nearly cried.
:)

Soooo.. Sorceror's Apprentice is win. Epic win, even.
The dude has a Buzz Lightyear alarm clock. I turned to Casey when I saw it and said I want one. After the movie, we went to Target...and I FOUND THE SAME ONE! So I lay-by'd it :) 70 bucks, but meh. So worth it.
We also got nerf guns and attacked the guys when they came home. :)
But I've had a headache all day. And my neck was worse than usual. But meh.

Soo, got up early, got my groceries delivered. Yay, coz it's heavy and I do fornightly shopping and it was free delivery so I'm happy.





Then I had uni. My god, was it windy. I hate wind, I would have preferred rain. I spent my lecture doodling. I'm pretty proud of my doodlings, I suck at drawing but these turned out pretty good, lol. Except for my first attempt at a Catholic cross where I had a brain spaz. But I like my tree. Lol.

Then I went to buy more groceries. Actually, I waited for like 15 minutes in line at the post office, when I was the first person in line. I only had half an hour to do that, get groceries and get over to the bus, so I got frustrated. Then at the check out the lady finished serving the customers in front of me (who clearly had too many items to be in the express lane anyway) and kept talking to them and didn't serve me, I wanted to yell at her.

So yes, that was boring, but everything I hate about Tasmania managed to condense itself into 4 hours of my life.

Also, I am stuck and confused. I want to teach. I think. I am torn. I am two personalities (I'm not claiming to have the mythical DPD or whatever). I want to teach, I feel like I would love it. Then I think, I want something with more of a rush, more adrenaline, but what? I feel like everything would be too boring until I get to the point where I would have to be a deadly mercenary or something, and then it would be too much and I would flip-out and break down in a month. One extreme or another. I mean, one side craves the need to face death everyday, the other side just wants stability. So I have no clue.

Gah.

Sociology assignment handed in. Like all my other assignments, it kind of falls apart at the end due to stress, time running out, frustration and eventual apathy.
It was on how masculinity has changed through the ages. It was interesting. I managed to insult today's generation in the last sentence.

I then rented movies and bought chocolate and pizza to de-stress and reward myself. Well, because I wanted to.

I just watched Wolverine: Origins. In me looking up what Gambits ability actually was, I discovered Cyclops died in The Last Stand. I honestly don't remember that...so who is going to take over X-Men and hook up with the White Queen? I suppose they've skirted that issue for the moment, since the next movie is about Xavier and Magneto as youngin's, but still.
Also, it's 11:30 pm, I was too lazy to turn the t.v. off and I totally forgot about the end bit after the credits. It's uber creepy, wish I hadn't seen it, lol.

I envy you.
I'm pretty sure I've moved to resentment.
I'm going to hate you.

It's happening again.

I had a shower. I kept turning all the cold off, and gained 2nd degree burns. In my head. It was a close one.
Then I just sat wrapped in my towel, I knew if I came back into my room I would hurt myself.

This is what happens. When I feel like this, it's you or me.

So on Saturday, Casey and I were going to invite some mates over, then Daniel said the same thing and we were like "whoo house party!".

Now Casey is going to Jenna's, who was one of the girls meant to be coming here. I'm going to be here with a bunch of randoms I have never met, including Daniel's girlfriend, who is absolutely gorgeous, and so I am assuming her friends will be too, and oh yeah, fucking social anxiety and depression that these days is soley triggered by how much I hate my physical appearance.

If I lived somewhere half-decent, I would avoid the inevitable self-harm fest by going out and doing things I know would cheer me up and keep my mind off things. But I can't do that. No transport to anywhere.

Cory Monteith and Leah Michele singing on The Simpsons! Argh!! That is soooo much awesomeness!! lol

I WON A DOUBLE PASS TO SEE THE SORCERORS APPRENTICE. Haha. I'm pretty excited, I so rarely win things. And I realllly wanted to see this movie but couldn't afford to, now both Casey and I get to see it. XD

Tomorrow, Casey, the nursing student, is studying brains in the lab. I really want to dress up as a zombie and burst in.
I don't have a costume :(

*shakes head*

Got a parcel from Ma today :) Contained King Arthur on dvd, photos from when I visited in QLD, a gift card for the supermarket and SLEEP HELPY STUFF! Lol. Fark I hope it works.

First day back to uni today. Being awake at 3am, I skipped the lecture to stay in bed and stare at the ceiling a little longer. However, when getting up and ready I looked in the mirror and was stupidly happy with what I saw - and this was pre-coffee and anti-depressants and sleep-deprived. Philosophy was amusing as always (the tutorial) then I went and got a refund from the bus people - kind of, it will go back into my account at some stage. I have been craving honey chicken for the last few weeks, but was bitterly disappointed on eating it. Spent lots of money on very little flavour or moisture. Lol. Meh. Traded in some books, got 2 new ones and $4, lol. Went grocery shopping and got snack food :/ donuts, icecream, arrowroot biscuits to put nutella on... well that was it I guess, lol. And bread and milk, as always.

I have my sociology tutorial tomorrow, and realised an assignment that has barely been looked at due next week. I was going to start over the holidays, time just got away.

Meh.

Now, hopefully I am off to sleeeeep. Lol. Night, y'all.

Recurring thoughts that enter my head that I cannot stop nor control:

Me, having someone slam my face into a counter, blood spewing from my nose. That's it, then it fades as quickly as it comes. Wtf?

Me, having a noose thrown around my neck from behind and pulled up. That's it, I don't die, I don't get free, the thought doesn't even last long enough for me to start struggling.

Me having a baseball bat swung into my chest, but it shatters.

I don't get it either. But they show up randomly, and it's sort of only just occured to me. Lol. There's a great deal of apathy from the me in these thoughts, no real reaction of pain or anything. I mean, why would there be? But it's still odd.

My bleeding heart.

Yes. Nothing like going on teenhelp.org (which I love by the way) and talking to a girl who wants to kill herself. I mean, its a site where you go to help and be helped, so that's fine.
But it's so hard, I don't know her, I don't know her life, I don't know what help is truly available to her. I did my best, but the poor girl is so isolated, home schooled, lives with a dad who doesnt believe she needs help. Eventually having told her the best I could I directed the conversation towards her hobbies and favourite movies and tv shows, etc. By the end she seemed a little better, I 'friended' her, and I really hope she finds a way to get help and make things better.
I am now talking to someone I actually know, attempting to help. Far out, there is way too much depression in this world.

Damn straight.

You know it. ;)

Handed in my volunteer application to the RSPCA. It's an hour and a half walk, and it's not even an easy walk, but work it for the puppies and kitties :) haha

Reasons to live.

This isn't necessarily all that serious.

Books.
Warm croissants with ham and cheese.

...wow, a long list I have there. Haha.

I is boredd. I washed my hair, then I put it in a plait, so it will be all wavy when I take it out tomorrow.

I am going to uni to print out some history readings, and a volunteer form for the RSPCA. I'm gonna walk down and hand it in, I really hope I can work there.

I had sausage sammiches for tea. I never feel like them until I cook them, the smell brings back memories. And they are $4.24 for 8, and I'm really cracking down to save to either go visit Brett in Arizona at the end of next year, or go to London or something. Somewhere.

Gosh I miss Queensland.

I still smile when I remember when I was playing the Buffy game on sony for the first time in months, I was being attacked by vampires and couldn't remember the controls. I was screaming at the tv "WHAT IS JUMP??" then burst out laughing when I realised.

Oh yeah, not getting the wolf tattoo now. A friend of a friend got a wolf...with "Team Jacob" written around it. It occured to me a lot of people would be getting wolf tattoos. So I'm probably going to get "Ma" and "Daddy", one on each wrist, small, simple, pretty font.

So I know this girl.

She's amazing.

She's so sad.

It breaks my heart.

There is no god.

Her pain is proof. She's so wonderful, no god would allow her to be so upset.

Sudden wave of misery.

I don't know what to do.