Falling from grace.

Goodbye manic mood, hello depressive mood.

Wtf.

Why, why do I care so much? Why the hell would I? It's not like I want you back in my life, I don't. But dammit if you can't ruin my day by being happy with someone else. The fact that I don't make you smile anymore kills me. I suppose it's that envy of mine again. You've moved on and got some awesome stuff going on - and, well, Im the same as always. I don't know.

Self restraint is...not applying more pressure.
Self hate is...wishing I had an abusive boyfriend. Wanting to be hit by a car. Some kind of disorder where my brain just put me in pain all day, every day whether I'm actually hurt or not.

I saw someone that looked just like you today.

One part of me wanted him to get hit by a car when I watched him cross the road.

The other part of me wanted him to come over and talk to me.

A vortex.
Confusion, endless.
A paradox.
Time crawls, time flies.
A void.
It is nothing.

Begging for release.
Pleading for freedom.
Tears of agony flow.
Frustration prominent.

So close yet so far away.
Simple desire, unattainable.
Peace, out of reach.
Out of mind.

More damage.

The house is full again, and I just had a dawning realisation that the thought of having to socialise terrifies me. I get along with them, they are great and nice - but...I don't know. I time going down to the kitchen so that I don't have to talk to anyone. I stay in my room all day when because it seems to be the only place I feel remotely comfortable or safe.

Now I realise my anxiety really was getting worse - but tapered off when everyone left for the holidays.

Charming.

I continually fantasize about being beaten and tortured, because I hate myself much I wish someone would hurt me like that. A quick death is too good for me, and I can only damage myself so much.

Aww yeahhh...

Pretty sure tomorrow is going to be awesome. I have uni orientation, and will have over 5 grand in my bank account! Hellz yeah. Saving it, and planning a contiki tour.

Whispers flutter through empty hallways,
The sound a mimic of the crows flapping wings.
They repeat a stark reminder,
Of who you are and who I am not.
To the world I smile and love,
But behind these eyes,
Black birds crave to eviscerate.

Fuckity fuck fuck. I hate insomnia. I hate it, hate it, hate it. I am exhausted, and I just want sleep but my brain won't shut up and time passes so slowly and I lie in bed for hours without getting to sleep.
It's so horrible. I hate it.

Woof.

So I finally picked my tattoo. I think it is going to be bigger than I intended because instead of my ankh, Im getting a pretty darn cute wolf :) I shall name him Buck, as in Jack London's "Call of the Wild". Still on my wrist, just, bigger, lol.

I have a list of stuff I want, Tattoo has been there the longest though. I was going to get it with my birthday money, but I'm not really sure where that went. Nothing ever goes to plan. Ignore the writing in the background, he may also yet be altered.

Hell of a day.

Ergh. Throwing up. Can't tell if I'm sick or it's stress related. Supposed to pay rent today, but (and yes I realise how white trash this sounds) centrelink hasn't paid me. It's a week and a half late. I really don't like not being able to pay rent.

I am assuming my payment should also be changing today considering it's the beginning uni orientation week, which is mandatory. But nothing appears to be happening with that.

I really should have gotten a parcel today, I've been awake since 8 in paranoia that I would miss them delivering it and they wouldn't just leave it at the door. Ma posted it Tuesday. I want my trackies! Lol. It's not that big of a deal, just expectation leading to disappointment really.

It was -1 degree at 10 o'clock today. How does it not snow here?

Oh my effing god. It's 1 degree and you can bloody tell. This house does not retain heat at all.

I'm all cried out.

Lie to me.

My life is such a waste. I know, life is what you make it - but I know that no matter what I am always going to feel like this. I expect so much of myself - but I'm fractured. One side of my screams and rails to be a success, to be something important to the world. The other side knows it's impossible, the other side knows it can never be good enough. I am weak and pathetic.
I spend my life daydreaming, because of my damaged psyche it is surprisingly realistic to me. I am fairly certain the one good shock in my life could send me to an institution - and my god I nearly pray for that to happen. I would be happy you see, in my head I will be everything I want to be, need myself to be, everything I know I never will be in reality.

You say goodbye, and I say hello.

2 dawning...wait, 3, dawning realisations today.

1. I have splitting headaches from having my jaw clenches so tightly all day.

2. I think the reason I cry so much watching Glee and Supernatural is because I spend my whole life fighting back tears. Glee and Supernatural gives me an excuse.

3. So. In Glee, The Power of Madonna episode - poor Finn, he sleeps with Santana and then wonders why he doesn't feel any different (he is such a cutie like that lol) but he says "I don't feel anything because it didn't mean anything". I don't know, maybe it doesn't feel different anyway, but I suppose on some level after, you should feel different - after the first time with anyone, you know? Emotionally. But maybe that some stupid girly fairy tale way of looking at it, and therefore would not affect me in the slightlest, haha. But my dawning realisation was maybe this is true and would explain a thing or two in my own life.

You know, I tell people that I have no idea what I want to do with my life. That's...well that's not true. I know exactly what I want my life to be. But I really can't do anything about it, don't try to tell me I can - if I told you what I want my life to be, you'd understand. I tiger can't change it's stripes and all that. Mostly, I'm just here, killing time until some great revelation comes into my life where I then can make my life what I want it to be - or I die.

Life sucks.

I dreamed a dream...

Once upon a time I would have said, I may have insomnia but at least I get to have lots of dreams (that I remember). Er, that sounds odd - I mean it takes me forever to get to sleep, no matter how exhausted I am, then I get tiny snatches of sleep that never turn into deep sleep so I never get past the light stages where you dream. I wake up every 20 minutes or so and remember some dreams I had.
They used to be nothing but nightmares, I couldn't remember a single time I had just a nice dream. That changed sometime this year, not sure when, I had great dreams. Then I went back to nightmares. Now it's really neither. Every night for the last 2 weeks or so I have dreams, then I wake up, but I am actually still dreaming, and I talk about the dream-dream I had. And that dream-dream is without fail always about how lonely I am. I find someone, then they disappear and I am left all by my little lonesome in the dark. Or it's a search, just me wandering around looking for someone. I know subconscious, I know.
Dreams used to be an escape for me, I looked foward to them. Now I am doomed to suffer this incredible loneliness in all states of consciousness.