Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Friday, December 10, 2010
Saturday, December 4, 2010
What will we do tonight
The moon is out, the stars are up
Shining about as much as our love
What will we do tonight
Will we stand up and fight
For what what we believe
What will we do tonight
Make love by the shore, yeah we might
Under the moonlight, it's peaceful and calm
What will we do tonight
We're young, strong and in love
What will we do tonight? Whatever we want? Damn right
Thursday, December 2, 2010
The spines tearing me from the inside out.
Venom runs through my veins.
The world a haze of shadows,
Hatred haunts my every thought.
Craving to tear apart your world
and everything you hold dear.
I need to destroy your self esteem and
destroy your smile.
Screaming at life and chance,
how are you so fulfilled
while I am but a broken shell
filled with only hate, anger, envy and sadness?
Why are you so pretty, so desired
while I attract only sneers and disgust?
Where do you get your confidence,
it feels as though you drained it from me.
I bite my venomous tongue,
hide my scorching gaze,
keep gentle my killing touch,
and die a little more with your every appearance.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Friday, November 19, 2010
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Paying Fifty bucks to get home. I've spent so much money, I hope I can save after this week. It shoulod be easier, I've bought clothes to keep me going, I end up paying more in Tassie coz my options are so limited. I hate how much I've spent. It's like, I want to go travel, but I hate that it will pretty much send me broke.
I was watching Glee again, 'Never Been Kissed', ah such a beautiful episode. I thought 'god, I can't believe people get hassled like that, it never happens over here,' then realised I was the one that got hassled like that at my school. Derp.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Hmm but yah, as I'm sure you're all totally gagging for the next thrilling installment of my unlife, I shall recap.
Flew to Brisbane. Stayed at Daddy's. Went to WhiteWaterWorld with Nikki and Koby. Went shopping. Went to Maryborough. Came back to Brisbane. I got back on the 8th. I'd like to slow down a minute. But I think the next three months are going to feel like this no matter what.
Anyway, saw Jess this afternoon, twas win! It was like we'd only seen each other yesterday, and we both knew the drill, junk food, scary movie, gossip. Hehe. I had so much fun.
Going shopping again tomorrow. I don't need anything. I will probably spend too much :( Haha.
Monday, November 1, 2010
A moment you felt most satisfied with your life.
...
...
...
I'm not sure what it even feels like to be satisfied with your life. I don't mean that in a complainy way, I just mean I really can't imagine it. So I don't know if I have ever felt it, you know?
Besides, I demand more than mere satisfaction. That sounds so dull.
Friday, October 29, 2010
She's not coming to the halloween party tonight, why does that not fricken surprise me? She has a headache, big fucking shock.
She's afraid to live. It's only a party, but knowing who is going to be there, it's going to be the source of some great memories. It's an opportunity, it's a life experience. She's never been to a party remotely as good as tonight is going to be. It shits me, she misses so many opportunities. I think her headaches are psychological. She'll never quite grow up as much as others if she continues to avoid life.
Your zodiac sign and if you think it suits you.
Ok, the definition of Taurus that I usually read says you like the best of the best, fine food and clothes and what not. Which is ridiculous. Give me a cheeseburger and I'm happy. But the definition I have just found appears to describe me a lot better.
- If you were to describe the typical Taurus temperament, you would probably use words such as ‘cautious’, ‘practical’ and ‘purposeful’. One word you definitely wouldn’t use is ‘impulsive’. When you are making important decisions in life, decisions about things that are vital to your security and the welfare of those you love, you spend a long time on them. You want those decisions to be rock solid.
- Once your mind is made up, you have amazing persistence and follow through, plus tons of energy — you rarely give up on a task once you’ve decided on it. And you’ll stick to your guns, even if you’re being provoked, tempted or ridiculed. This will be a blessing at some times and a curse at others.
- Those who love you and offer you constructive criticism don’t mean to hurt you — they have your best interests at heart — and what they offer can be useful to you. Try to remember that.
- If you look inside yourself, you’ll see that sometimes the reason you hold on to your position or opinion so fiercely is that you fear change.
Because you take such pride in your ability to see things through to the end, people who try to meddle with what you have set out to do, or change the rules of the game, are likely to hear from you, loud and clear. You really, really want to finish what you start.
Also, people will not have much success if they try to push something onto you and leave you no room to control your destiny. Then the bull in you really starts to make itself heard and felt.
- On the other side of the coin, you also like to take it easy. This goes back to liking to leave things as they are. You may need to keep an eye on this — complacency and apathy are down the end of that path.
Change is the only constant in life and you may need to remind yourself of this every now and then; trying to resist all change leads only to stress and dissatisfaction with your life and relationships.
- You also have a great love affair with the finer things in life. If you could find a servant to help with all the boring jobs you hate, you could live the luxurious life you dream of!
- You are a great mate. When you agree to help someone, you go to any lengths to keep your word. You’ll never let yourself or others down. You are extremely dependable.
- You’re also exceptionally sensitive and very patient. You’re prepared to wait as long as it takes for the right moment to act and you seize the opportunity when it wanders anywhere near you. Patience is one of your greatest virtues and it usually pays off.
- Actually, simplicity is what appeals to you — you can’t stand pompousness and look-at-me behaviour. You know that beauty is not about what you wear or what hairstyle you have.
- You enjoy getting your hands dirty with gardening, practical hobbies and odd jobs around the home. Hard work doesn’t scare you in the least.
- Taurus is a touchy-feely sign, which means you rely on your feelings rather than your mind when you try to understand your experiences.
- You trust your own intuition about others — and you are usually right. However, you have terrific reasoning skills as well, so don’t dismiss your sensible nature; balancing these two sides of yourself will increase your success in life.
- If you are a Taurean born between 20 April and 29 April you are under the double influence of Venus. You are sensual, loving and destined to be lucky in love. Try to curb your appetite to have the biggest and best of everything however. Learning the art of contentment is one of your main life lessons.
Ah yes. This last line is very true, I find it very difficult to be happy with myself. I always want to do more. Not want more, do more.
Also, fail on the love part. I don't believe in love, I am epic jaded in the whole love thing.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Write 30 interesting facts about yourself.
- The next blogger topic on the list is actually "A time when you thought about ending your own life," but that's way too negative for me at the moment, haha.
- I have a Stiggy Bank, a Stig Egg cup, 2 Stig mugs, a Stif pen, a Top Gear diary and calender, and a couple of shirts. This isn't that interesting, but meh,
- The night before that time of the month I get uber paranoid, like, 5 year-old-holy-crap-there's-something-in-my-bedroom-about-to-kill-me paranoid.
- I am an athiest.
- I am a Gleek.
- I want to build several classic muscle cars from the ground up, but know very little about mechanics.
- My Laptop's name is Bobby, my USB is Ash, my mp3 players are Sammy and Dean. My imaginary '67 Chevy Impala is John.
- I just realised I haven't named my phone. Castiel is now his name.
- I am currently reading "The Face" by Dean Koontz.
- Today, Casey gets back, everytime I think I hear a car I run out to look out the window. Which means, I've been doing that about every 5 minutes.
- I am allergic to vegetables. No one ever believes me. It's highly annoying and the one thing guaranteed to piss me off. You know, it's a stupid thing to lie about. I'm not allergic to fruit, I will freely admit I don't like most of them.
- I really want to move back to Queensland, but at least down here I feel like I have made some kind of progress in my life.
- The inside of my lip is permanently split since I bit it stupidly hard with my stupidly crooked teeth.
- I am such a blogger stalker.
- I am now half-way through this list.
- This year, for Halloween, I am going to Jenna's party as Simi the Charonte demon.
- If I ever build John, I am going to live in him on the road for at least 6 months. Hopefully longer. It's a life goal. Unfortunately, this is in the states, so I am not sure how I am going to achieve it.
- Sometimes, this is the life that feels like a dream, and the stories I make up in my head the ones I really live. Which is probably why I don't get very far in life.
- I really miss working at Best and Less.
- I believe humans are really serial monogamists, and we are not, in fact, one of the incredibly few species on Earth that mates for life. Break-ups are a beginning, not a failure. You can 'love' more than one person just as much over the course of your life. I believe what blinds us to this, and that we believe if your longest life relationship ends that we have failed epically, is the marriage constitution. It is a something exclusive to humans, and in our romatic silliness, we forget that while it's possible we will spend our lives with one person, at the very end, I doubt you will love them as much asyou once did. That there is someone else you may have crossed paths with in life that was to be the second great love (and so on), and that ignoring this possiblity you miss out on some wonderful oppotunities.
- As much as I believe in this, I don't yet believe in love. At all. Hopefully, one day someone gives me a reason to, but I think this is more likely not to happen than it is likely to happen.
- When I was younger, I was a total cheapskate, didn't really spend much money. I didn't notice until my sister made an off the cuff comment about it, and I think this is why i over-spend now.
- I don't know about others, but it's these kind of comments that tend to mark me the most in my life. I have no idea why. I guess because they hold the most truth.
- In this reality, I hope that my first car is a 4 wheel drive of some sort. I feel very small and confined in sedans, and find it hard to see and judge distances. I think I would be a better driver in a 4 wheel drive. Even a little one, like a Nissan Dualis or something.
- I will have Carry on Wayward Son by Kansas as my funeral song. I want to be buried. Actually, I want a big fancy tomb. Lol.
- I have already written my will. I recently re-wrote it, since my old one was from before I was 18. I just have to get around to legalising it. No matter how hard I try, I struggle to write it without it being from the perspective that my death is a suicide.
- I am hungry.
- I can't see the word 'house' without thinking "Who's house?? Run's house!". Usually I also sing it out loud.
- My water squirty has stopped working and I can't work out why.
- Everytime I hear the word 'Melbourne' I say out loud "Fuck you, Melbourne!", whether I am alone or not.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Your views on religion.
Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Where you'd like to be in 10 years.
Anyway, then in comes the suicide bomber, coz people in my highschool? I really wouldn't be surprised if someone did show up with shrapnel bombs strapped to themselves, still pissed off ten years later at the people in our grade. Sometimes, I think that person will be me. But, in my fantasy, it's not, because if I die then the story has to end, and I like daydreaming too much. So I'm kind of torn between just leaving and letting them all die, but instead I talk to this person, slowly walk towards them, then bam! Grab them, kick their knee in, and put them down. I handcuff them with the cuff I have clipped to my boots and with my little knife in my other boot, keen eyes and explosive knowlege, cut the wire running from the timer to the explosives itself.
You see, I have violent life, so I always have a weapon on me. And I have cuffs, coz if I can restrain or knock unconscious instead of kill, I will.
So yeah, then I'm awesome. And someone (a little later, after the cops deal with this and whatever) gets on stage and calls me up to thank me, and I get up there, and with the most evil and outraged look on my face, I tell them all that I should have let them die, that they are bastards and the fact that someone was still angry enough to want to kill them after 10 years should make them realise how horrible they are.
Oh by the way, coz I am so awesome, the only reason I have kids is because my awesome partner wants them. I find out this fear I have of being pregnant is a legitimate phobia (which I wouldn't be surprised if it was) but I go through 9 months of being terrified and trying to, essentially, get away from my own body, locked up in my bedroom. Coz I am deeply in like with this guy and want to make him happy, haha.
But then he cheats on me and I leave the kids with him and go to New Orleans with my friend who is as badass and violent as me and go clubbing.
Also, I designed my own house. It's awesome. It's all dark wood and reds and on your left when you walk in the wall is painted like "desert at night" theme with sillhouettes of giraffes and big bare trees. The doors to the 2 downstairs bedrooms are there too, but you can't see them. No handles, and no real door frame, they blend in, but I know where they are, haha.
There is also a piano in the far left corner, coz I can play :)
Soooo....beyond this fantasy, I have no real plans. All my 'plans' for my life are pretty much like this. Impossible, hopeless, silly, etc.
Your current relationship. If single, discuss how single life is.
I will be able to travel with it.
Mostly, I want to be a teacher that listens to her students. Because really, how flippin infuriating is it when they don't see you as people? Or not smart enough to have anything important to say? Or not old enough to feel seriously depressed?
I want them to tell me the best way to teach them, how they learn best, etc.
I want to teach that one class that you hate just a little less.
That sounds like great motivation, right? I mean, it's genuinely how I feel, but really, I don't think I will do any good.
You know what I want to be? A SWAT officer. A vigilante. A NAVY SEAL.
Haha. But I can't imagine ever being that fit. I mean, I've been part of a gym, gotten up at 5am and been at the doors before the place was even open. I worked hard, man. I am also uber un-co. I just didn't seem to get anywhere. I would love a life spent with my muscles burning, fast thinking a survival essential, never a minute without some kind of injury sustained in the line of duty. Guns hidden around my house, a knife under my pillow, sleeping in clothes and combat boots. I like the idea of a whip hidden in the back of my jacket, handle waiting for my hand. The end will be tipped with blades, of course. Haha.
I blame Matthew Reilly books. Scarecrow is awesome, I'm pretty jealous of his life. Haha.
But, that's all epic silly. So I am going to be a teacher. My life will be teaching students who don't care, who hate each other for shallow reasons, marking paper after paper at night, total routine in general. Ew.
Those kids I teach better appreciate me, dammit.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Sociology exam tomorrow. Grr. Exams on a Saturday? And at 9? I have to get up at 7 :( Well it's not that bad.
I guess I should have twigged I was going down hill when trying to figure out what to wear tomorrow and not liking any of my options. I know it sounds weird, but yeah...
I get to go to Wiggle Bay at WhiteWaterWorld with Nikki and Koby when I get back to Queensland :) Yay, coz I so didn't wanna wait that long to see Koby, haha. Now I only have to wait a day after I get back :)
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
It makes sense, when I compare high school to my primary school days. Those were the differences.
Before, I thought all highschools were as bad as mine, that everyone had a horrible time. It just hurts even more now to know it could have been avoided.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
So, Candice made this comment about Casey's getting baptised:
"Yeah, my baptism was great! Just remember that Satan will not like it AT ALL, and be prepared for attacks"
I said "Dammit, Candice, now we need a new plan of attack!" haha being funny, - is that at all offensive? Seriously, considering Im not a satanist, I can't imagine how it is.
Candice says "You can graze our knees, but we will crush your skull"
I dont know what that means, but I said "Your knees are already grazed, what with the kneeling. I guess our work here is done then, haha *dusts off hands*" coz you know, you kneel to pray right? So, haha, still not offensive right?
Then those comments were suddenly gone, and it confused the fuck out of me, coz I seriously had no idea if I had imagined the whole thing or not, what with my mental instability. Anyway, you should see this massive message Deb just sent me, fucking bitch, saying I need to "respect Casey's beliefs" and shit, I was like dude! DONT talk to me about needing to tolerate others beliefs, I was a fucking Pagan, I am fucking accepting of everyones religion!
And Casey makes jokes about the church just as much as I do, and she will admit it too.
I'M SO MAD
Monday, October 18, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
But then, I suppose we'd have a lot of people going around scaling pretty girls.
Actually, I still don't mind.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Got her a new turquise top with lace on the sleeves and on the back neckline to go with the photo of us in a pretty frame for her birthday. It's not often I have photos with any of my family, but she was adament we took this one and she doesn't even have a copy.
Got a pretty black glass fram with a few silver cherry blossom flowers on it to go with the adorable baby clothes I got for Jess and Luke, they are getting married and having a baby girl, I so wish I could go to their wedding, but it's in Melbourne and I have uni exams :(
Got a present for Bek too - but I'm too paranoid to detail it here... haha
Also bought horns, black lipstick, fangs and a sexky gothic garter for Halloween :)
Now I am going to eat chips and chicken nuggets and watch movies :)
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
What I say in my head: "Milli-wall-kay". Thanks, Alice Cooper.
The word: Sean Bean
What I say in my head: Seen Been.
The word: Chicago
What I say in my head: Chick-ago. The dumbass daughter on Married with Children read it that way when she was a weather girl.
The word: Karate
What I say in my head: Ka-rart-aye, like King in Blade: Trinity.
The word: Wichita
What I say in my head: Wit-cheetah.
Every time.
AH! Red Right Hand is on this soundtrack! So one of my favourite songs. *doo, do do do, do do do, doo, doo* haha
See, when John C. Reilly isn't doing crap comedies, I like him in movies.
Hmm. Damn you viscious cirle of "I'm fat, so I'm depressed, so I am going to eat my feelings and watch dvd's and get fatter."
I designed the tattoos I want. I was going to get "Ma" and "Daddy" on each wrist, now they are accompanied by pictures that remind me of them, lol.
Whoa, the kid who plays Darren Shan looks a hell of a lot different outside of this movie. No wait, now he's joined the cirque officially he's found his cute side, lol.
*sigh* this blog is my way of holding off lonliness. It's not really woring.
Monday, October 11, 2010
I watched Green Zone a before this too, fark the whole Iraq war shits me, and the reasons of how it came about. "Reasons" being used loosely. "Excuses" is a far better word.
Although, no one ever seems to notice.
Shush! What would it do to your parents?
At least I'm likely to live.
One day you won't, you'll cut too deep.
That's ok.
To you maybe, but you've been such a horrible burden to your parents already, the least you could do is put up with this soul-destroying agony so they don't feel guilty.
Are you the Angel or the Devil on my shoulder?
I'm whatever I need to be to make sure you don't have to see that look of disappointment in their eyes.
I miss Stanley.
He only hurt you.
That was the point. He is there for me, no one else ever is.
Harden up.
I can't. Don't you see that I can't? I'm so tired.
Go to your happy place.
I don't have one.
Make one.
I've tried. It's depressing, because it's not real. None of it is. I'm a fat, miserable, hideous failure. I will never help people. I will never make anyone happy. That's all I want, but it won't happen. I just make people mad.
You haven't tried hard enough.
This isn't a soap opera. This isn't a musical. Life isn't that easy. Happiness and acceptance of self doesn't automatically come with the dysfunctional but loving comraderie you have with your crazy family or nerd friends. People don't stick together. Selfish people don't learn to love. There is nothing beautiful in war. Killers do go free. The fat, miserable, hideous failure does not find a Prince Charming. She doesn't even get a toad. Wishes don't come true. Some crazy coincidence doesn't create the opportunity for the perfect career. There is no purpose or order to life. We are atoms and molecules that happened to form humans and now we are living because we can. It's just killing time. Sure, we can try to make something out of this nothing we have, but ultimately most of us will die with little more than we were born with. I have no talent to exploit, no looks to strut down a runway, no savantism to benefit from, no money to spend to make more, no high school diploma to become something important, no coordination to become an expert in Krav Maga and become a vigilante. I am nothing. I always will be, I am not going to delude myself into thinking otherwise.
...
Ergh. I need to change pills. Irratic as ever, and for some reason the pain was here this month, at least I haven't had that. But the worst part is that time of the month my anti-depressants don't work. So yeah, pretty much bursting into tears for no apparent reason on a regular basis today and for the next week or so. *sigh*
And the Glee novel came with a poster, with either Finn and Rachel or Finn and Quinn :) I'm happy, both sides having Finn and all...
More packing. :) Put some stuff in my suitcase that I don't need and don't want to pack into storage by accident because I do want to take them to QLD.
Bought scales today, thought I lost weight but I gained it :( But I was doing it by measurements before and it's possible some is muscle which is heavier. But then, my legs are just fat now because I stopped walking as much as I used - so I fixed that. Walk to and from uni now, that should help. So I have no idea. Lol.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Then Casey gets all mad at us for caring and was like "think about the athletes" rah rah rah. They don't do it for us. If we bitched about question time being on tv no one would disagree with us and tell us to 'think of the politicians'. Also, the thing about it being on 5 channels is a tad annoying.
Goddamn that nerdy guy on Criminal Minds is sooooo creepy. Like, he should be the serial killer every episode.
I have to re-bleach my hair.
I packed my books today. Holy cow it feels weird, I do so love my books. I love just looking at them. Love having them around.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
She was a cop, a Homicide Lieutenant with eleven year on the job protecting and defending the hard, merciless streets of New York. There was little she hadn't seen, touched, smelled or waded through. Because people, to her mind, would always and could always find more inventive and despicable ways to kill their fellow man, she knew just what torments could be inflicted on the human body.
But bloody and brutal murder was nothing compared to giving birth.
How all those women with their bodies enormous and weirdly deformed by the entity gestating inside them could be so cheerful, so freaking placid about what was happening - and going to happen - to them was beyond her scope.
But there was Mavis Freestone, her oldest friend, with her little pixie body engulfed by the bulge of belly, beaming like a mental defective while images of live birth played out on the screen.
...Maybe pregnancy stopped certain signals from getting to the brain.
...She'd rather study a crime scene recording - mass murder, mutilation, severed limbs - than look up at some laboring woman's crotch and watch a head pop out.
I actually think pregnancy is much worse than this.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Thursday, September 30, 2010
It was horrible, I couldn't even go talk to my best friend. I needed to go just cry, I didn't even need to talk, I just wanted a hug or something. But she doesn't want to know about it. She'd just end up mad at me and not talking to me. Loneliness added onto more lonliness.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
- Get up at 7:30 to have a shower and wait for groceries be delivered. Really get up at 7:45 and answer door still in pj's.
- Walk into Mowbray to buy 2 things. Really catch bus into Mowbray, buy 10 things.
- Dye hair. Really dye the bathroom walls a little more and stain my shoulders, neck and top.
- Do assignment. Really facebook.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Me: "I've eaten 4 crush TimTams, 6 lamington finger, half a box of shapes, half a choc-caramel barvarian, a cheeseburger and 2 coffees." Like, that was my whole day, at least her donuts were between decent meals. Lol.
No wonder I'm fat. Meh.
Please note; this is not a usual day for me.
Though lately it has been more commom. Junk food is cheap, and I am poor. Lol.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
I want to cry. I want to yell and scream and throw things. These next two assignments have the potential to shatter my already fracture psyche.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Halleluja
I nearly cried.
:)
Friday, September 17, 2010
The dude has a Buzz Lightyear alarm clock. I turned to Casey when I saw it and said I want one. After the movie, we went to Target...and I FOUND THE SAME ONE! So I lay-by'd it :) 70 bucks, but meh. So worth it.
We also got nerf guns and attacked the guys when they came home. :)
But I've had a headache all day. And my neck was worse than usual. But meh.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Then I had uni. My god, was it windy. I hate wind, I would have preferred rain. I spent my lecture doodling. I'm pretty proud of my doodlings, I suck at drawing but these turned out pretty good, lol. Except for my first attempt at a Catholic cross where I had a brain spaz. But I like my tree. Lol.
Then I went to buy more groceries. Actually, I waited for like 15 minutes in line at the post office, when I was the first person in line. I only had half an hour to do that, get groceries and get over to the bus, so I got frustrated. Then at the check out the lady finished serving the customers in front of me (who clearly had too many items to be in the express lane anyway) and kept talking to them and didn't serve me, I wanted to yell at her.
So yes, that was boring, but everything I hate about Tasmania managed to condense itself into 4 hours of my life.
Also, I am stuck and confused. I want to teach. I think. I am torn. I am two personalities (I'm not claiming to have the mythical DPD or whatever). I want to teach, I feel like I would love it. Then I think, I want something with more of a rush, more adrenaline, but what? I feel like everything would be too boring until I get to the point where I would have to be a deadly mercenary or something, and then it would be too much and I would flip-out and break down in a month. One extreme or another. I mean, one side craves the need to face death everyday, the other side just wants stability. So I have no clue.
Gah.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
It was on how masculinity has changed through the ages. It was interesting. I managed to insult today's generation in the last sentence.
I then rented movies and bought chocolate and pizza to de-stress and reward myself. Well, because I wanted to.
I just watched Wolverine: Origins. In me looking up what Gambits ability actually was, I discovered Cyclops died in The Last Stand. I honestly don't remember that...so who is going to take over X-Men and hook up with the White Queen? I suppose they've skirted that issue for the moment, since the next movie is about Xavier and Magneto as youngin's, but still.
Also, it's 11:30 pm, I was too lazy to turn the t.v. off and I totally forgot about the end bit after the credits. It's uber creepy, wish I hadn't seen it, lol.
Monday, September 13, 2010
I'm pretty sure I've moved to resentment.
I'm going to hate you.
It's happening again.
I had a shower. I kept turning all the cold off, and gained 2nd degree burns. In my head. It was a close one.
Then I just sat wrapped in my towel, I knew if I came back into my room I would hurt myself.
This is what happens. When I feel like this, it's you or me.
Now Casey is going to Jenna's, who was one of the girls meant to be coming here. I'm going to be here with a bunch of randoms I have never met, including Daniel's girlfriend, who is absolutely gorgeous, and so I am assuming her friends will be too, and oh yeah, fucking social anxiety and depression that these days is soley triggered by how much I hate my physical appearance.
If I lived somewhere half-decent, I would avoid the inevitable self-harm fest by going out and doing things I know would cheer me up and keep my mind off things. But I can't do that. No transport to anywhere.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Monday, September 6, 2010
First day back to uni today. Being awake at 3am, I skipped the lecture to stay in bed and stare at the ceiling a little longer. However, when getting up and ready I looked in the mirror and was stupidly happy with what I saw - and this was pre-coffee and anti-depressants and sleep-deprived. Philosophy was amusing as always (the tutorial) then I went and got a refund from the bus people - kind of, it will go back into my account at some stage. I have been craving honey chicken for the last few weeks, but was bitterly disappointed on eating it. Spent lots of money on very little flavour or moisture. Lol. Meh. Traded in some books, got 2 new ones and $4, lol. Went grocery shopping and got snack food :/ donuts, icecream, arrowroot biscuits to put nutella on... well that was it I guess, lol. And bread and milk, as always.
I have my sociology tutorial tomorrow, and realised an assignment that has barely been looked at due next week. I was going to start over the holidays, time just got away.
Meh.
Now, hopefully I am off to sleeeeep. Lol. Night, y'all.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Me, having someone slam my face into a counter, blood spewing from my nose. That's it, then it fades as quickly as it comes. Wtf?
Me, having a noose thrown around my neck from behind and pulled up. That's it, I don't die, I don't get free, the thought doesn't even last long enough for me to start struggling.
Me having a baseball bat swung into my chest, but it shatters.
I don't get it either. But they show up randomly, and it's sort of only just occured to me. Lol. There's a great deal of apathy from the me in these thoughts, no real reaction of pain or anything. I mean, why would there be? But it's still odd.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
My bleeding heart.
But it's so hard, I don't know her, I don't know her life, I don't know what help is truly available to her. I did my best, but the poor girl is so isolated, home schooled, lives with a dad who doesnt believe she needs help. Eventually having told her the best I could I directed the conversation towards her hobbies and favourite movies and tv shows, etc. By the end she seemed a little better, I 'friended' her, and I really hope she finds a way to get help and make things better.
I am now talking to someone I actually know, attempting to help. Far out, there is way too much depression in this world.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Reasons to live.
Books.
Warm croissants with ham and cheese.
...wow, a long list I have there. Haha.
I am going to uni to print out some history readings, and a volunteer form for the RSPCA. I'm gonna walk down and hand it in, I really hope I can work there.
I had sausage sammiches for tea. I never feel like them until I cook them, the smell brings back memories. And they are $4.24 for 8, and I'm really cracking down to save to either go visit Brett in Arizona at the end of next year, or go to London or something. Somewhere.
Gosh I miss Queensland.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Trees that struggle to adorn themselves with foliage,
just in time to be stripped bare once again by winter.
Their branches reaching, straining to reach the steeple.
A cottage, kept company by a mint green FJ Holden,
sunning itself in the light not hindered by the Weeping Willows that flank it.
Winter toparies,
harsh naked branch contorted into a fish, a hen and a family of deer.
Hollow gazes keeping watch on weary travellers.
Fingers of smoke, curling slowly to embrace a lonely field,
emanating from a small fire that will grow
to devour it's surroundings in it's untamed glory.
A flock of sheep, several dozen strong,
knowing the beautiful sunset
is followed by yet another bitterly cold night
to be endured.
Among them stands a lonely bovine,
it's white leather hide
splattered with black,
marking it as the black sheep.
Young lambs,
still new to the world,
still able to enjoy it,
bound across greener pastures
in their clumsy, innocent gait.
Train tracks,
winding through green hills,
the setting sun reflecting off their cool steel.
Meticulously maintained
for a train that now spends it days gawked at
as a marvel of history,
unmoving.
Family homes at the end of long dirt roads,
their owners clinging
to an apple pie life of so long ago,
those days are gone.
The tired truck driver
desiring to return to a waiting family.
It is a fast-food dinner
and a tasteless beer
that awaits him.
The fence,
once standing stalwart and proud
against malicious intruders,
now a crumbling and useless eyesore.
Green fields, once home
to thriving forests,
flowing rivers,
families of
twittering animal life,
watchful mothers,
hard working fathers,
laughing children
and lazy sundays,
now a mere obstacle
separating cold, impersonal cities.
My weekend.
After all that, I was exhausted from the stress. So I checked in early, but I went for a walk - it took me foreverrrr to find somewhere just to buy milk. Then I crashed from 3 - 8, and spoke to Ma somewhere in there, haha, I barely remember it.
I woke up at 8 and nearly slept right through but decided to get KFC for dinner.
Markets on Saturday :) I miss going to markets, I bought Ticktock by Dean Koontz, and so I am now terrified of rag dolls. I also bought a cat magnet to send to Betty, she loves her cats :) And it's made from bread dough! I had fogotten allll about that until I saw it on Saturday, Ma taught me how to make it as a kid. I also bought handmade fudge, it was three bars for $10, so I got chocolate (duh), tassie tiger (chocolate and caramel, I was really looking foward to it), and a kahlua one for Casey. Somewhere along the line I lost my caramel one coz the bag broke :(
Went shopping. For lunch I ordered a chicken burger, somehow ended up with a cheese burger and chips...ok. Got a new gold necklace and earrings and bracelet - Diva was having a sale, lol.
Ohh went to Hogs Breath for dinner, had the best chicken ceasar salad everrr. And the biggest piece of mudcake with icecream, whipped cream and the plate covered in hot fudge sauce. I nearly died when I saw it, lol. Yummmmyyy.
Next day, more shopping. Got new sunnies, yay! A denim vest, black singlet with kind of ruffles at the front..more chocolate. Full length tights, a bracelet, Maccas for lunch! God, their burgers just keep shrinking don't they?
On Monday I checked out and went and saw Salt. Now, I pretty much detest Angelina Jolie, but Daddy saw it and said it was good, and it did look alright, and I like Belthazar Getty, so I saw it. I actually liked Angelina in it. She's doing better roles than she used to, she was just an objectified sex symbol and I really just wanted to punch her characters. But now, yeah, I like her for the most part.
Went op-shopping, 2 new tops, yay. Had a coffee at Gloria Jeans and read Ticktock. Then got the bus home. I stared out the window for the most time, the sun was setting half-way through, and I saw some odd and pretty things, and wrote a poem in a burst of inspiration.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Songs I would love to see done on Glee;
I need a Hero - Pat Benetar.
Walking in Memphis - Mark Cohen, Lonestar (my favourite version is Lonestar, Casey likes the original, so whatever)
When you're good to Mama - Queen Latifa on the Chicago soundtrack, I would love to see Mercedes belt this one out :)
Wild at Heart - Gloriana.
Baby it's cold outside.
Revolution.
Stay. Oh my God, Sugarland almost puts me into tears with the emotion in this one, I can't imagine how one of the cast of Glee wouldn't :)
...that's all I have so far.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
I watched G.I. Rise of Cobra today. I loved it. I was told it was not very good - but dude, so epic. Well not that epic, but I'd buy it. I didn't see those twists coming - though I should have. I think normally I would have, but I was facebooking and frontiervilling at the same time so I wasn't thinking about it too much. But it made it so awesome, haha.
Still depressed. It still haunts me. I get "you know, your mood changes are so sudden, maybe you have bi-polar?" Well, I think I am for more than that - I go from sleeping like a rock to not at all, I go very quickly from no motivation to a productive whirlwind and yes, on the outside my emotions do seem to change in a matter of seconds. That's not what really happens, what really happens is my control goes from waivering but holding to crashing down. That big black dog throws itself at my barriers, over and over and eventually the barriers break. It also seems to wake up at night. It's growling and barking and attacking as we speak. The barriers are holding for the moment, but there are cracks. Im just at the angry stage at the moment, though still for the most part repressing it.
This is the "making stupid decisions" stage though. I ordered pizza for dinner because I really didn't want what I had out. I mean, I really, really didn't. I can't afford pizza for dinner. Financially or fat-wise. Gah.
Oooh I saw The Expendables on Friday. EPIC WIN times infinity :) I do so love Sly, and Jason Statham is my favourite actor, and just all the others that I absolutely adore that were in it. I quite like Mickey Rourke in movies. Ah yes, a most excellent movie. The story line a tad weak, but who cares. Haha.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
So I came upstairs, left everyone else out of it (yeah, I ranted on here, but I know for a fact none of them read this) and tried my hardest to do the right thing.
But, they are all in the loungeroom - and sound in this house carries. Apparently I am just the worst person ever, an attention seeker.
Sorry for wanting my best friend to ask me if I am ok, even though I would smile and say I'm fine, it would be nice to be asked.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
I'm upset, and it's just me. No one cares in the slightest.
I really am alone.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
No one cares. I am alone. It's just me. I'm barely even here myself. I was just seriously considering munchausens. I thought I could down some cleaner right before a uni class. Someone might care when I start coughing up blood in a lecture. Of course, they might only care enough to tell me to die quietly.
I crave violence. I scare myself with it. People care when you do bad things. Attack people. Kill people. They pay attention then.
I won't be surprised if I snap one day.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Wtf.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Saturday, July 10, 2010
More damage.
Now I realise my anxiety really was getting worse - but tapered off when everyone left for the holidays.
Charming.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Aww yeahhh...
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Monday, July 5, 2010
Woof.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Hell of a day.
I am assuming my payment should also be changing today considering it's the beginning uni orientation week, which is mandatory. But nothing appears to be happening with that.
I really should have gotten a parcel today, I've been awake since 8 in paranoia that I would miss them delivering it and they wouldn't just leave it at the door. Ma posted it Tuesday. I want my trackies! Lol. It's not that big of a deal, just expectation leading to disappointment really.
It was -1 degree at 10 o'clock today. How does it not snow here?
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Lie to me.
I spend my life daydreaming, because of my damaged psyche it is surprisingly realistic to me. I am fairly certain the one good shock in my life could send me to an institution - and my god I nearly pray for that to happen. I would be happy you see, in my head I will be everything I want to be, need myself to be, everything I know I never will be in reality.
Friday, July 2, 2010
You say goodbye, and I say hello.
1. I have splitting headaches from having my jaw clenches so tightly all day.
2. I think the reason I cry so much watching Glee and Supernatural is because I spend my whole life fighting back tears. Glee and Supernatural gives me an excuse.
3. So. In Glee, The Power of Madonna episode - poor Finn, he sleeps with Santana and then wonders why he doesn't feel any different (he is such a cutie like that lol) but he says "I don't feel anything because it didn't mean anything". I don't know, maybe it doesn't feel different anyway, but I suppose on some level after, you should feel different - after the first time with anyone, you know? Emotionally. But maybe that some stupid girly fairy tale way of looking at it, and therefore would not affect me in the slightlest, haha. But my dawning realisation was maybe this is true and would explain a thing or two in my own life.
You know, I tell people that I have no idea what I want to do with my life. That's...well that's not true. I know exactly what I want my life to be. But I really can't do anything about it, don't try to tell me I can - if I told you what I want my life to be, you'd understand. I tiger can't change it's stripes and all that. Mostly, I'm just here, killing time until some great revelation comes into my life where I then can make my life what I want it to be - or I die.
Life sucks.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
I dreamed a dream...
They used to be nothing but nightmares, I couldn't remember a single time I had just a nice dream. That changed sometime this year, not sure when, I had great dreams. Then I went back to nightmares. Now it's really neither. Every night for the last 2 weeks or so I have dreams, then I wake up, but I am actually still dreaming, and I talk about the dream-dream I had. And that dream-dream is without fail always about how lonely I am. I find someone, then they disappear and I am left all by my little lonesome in the dark. Or it's a search, just me wandering around looking for someone. I know subconscious, I know.
Dreams used to be an escape for me, I looked foward to them. Now I am doomed to suffer this incredible loneliness in all states of consciousness.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Gah.
I hate my new doctor. She seems to be working in the wrong place and like she doesn't have the patience for us. And now she wants me to have a pap smear. I cannot emphasise the force behind "NO" to that. No. No. No. No. No. Hell no. But I can't swap, she's the only bulk-billing doctor in the whole damn city.
The stories I tell...
Did I tell you I bought a holographic Toy Story cup? I did. And a Toy Story drink bottle. I'd like to tell you I bought so I would save money by not having to buy drinks at uni - but really, it was a Toy Story drink bottle.
I'm a daydreamer. I am constantly daydreaming, like, today I was reading a book - I could still tell you what happened even though at the same time I had a whole other story running through my head. The reason I stay in bed so late is not to sleep more, it's to curl up all cosy and daydream. My stories, they are what I wish my life could be - that sounds obvious, but even in this stories I face hardships and obstacles, I don't dream to have it all handed to me - though at the same time I do. I dream about being a hero. About doing something important - whether is saving one life or a hundred. I build that Impala or Challenger (it varies) and I live in it. For a while anyway. Then I move to a cute little cottage that I design myself. No bedroom, just a big soft bed set into the floor in the corner of my very open living room with a curtain that goes across the end of the bed. I live simply you see. Vegetable garden, apple trees and grape vines. Chickums. Vegetarian. Licence to take care of injured wildlife when they've been found and taken to the vet and need somewhere to heal, you know the deal. I'm still isolated, I still don't really have friends but that suits me, I have my animals, referred to by me as my kids. I'm adopted, and have twin brother that I instanty click with when he tells me this. I'm not sure why this always shows up in the story line - but it's about the only constant in an otherwise ever-changing world, as all I have just described is "this weeks episode" so to speak. I won't lie. Corey Monteith has been showing up a lot. Before him it was Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles and their girls. I think that's a "I'm not good at making up my own characters" thing more than anything though - I mean it's never a love story - even my daydreams are too realistic for that. My novels are somewhat successful. And of course I'm gorgeous (that's where the adopted thing comes in handy - along with some rather science fictiony gene engineering thing). Got big soft black curls - with a few brightly coloured. Green eyes, perfect pale complexion and an amazing body that could kick anyones ass - I do also live a rather violent life. Of course I can dance and sing. Play piano and guitar. And paint, sometimes I paint. I have some great ideas for paintings - if only I could produce them in real life, they'd be awesome. Oh I don't live in Australia - though I haven't really picked anywhere specific yet. I am still damaged and broken, but I'm also pretty much fearless. I have pets - lately it's been two bunnies named Ellen and Jo and two border collies named Finn and Puck. The Impala is John. The Challenger is Cassidy. The car names never change.
I'm not sure why I wrote all this, I just had to.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Life isn't worth living if you have to pay for electricity in Rome.
I wanted to make sweet and sour pork for dinner but I could not for the life of me find peanut oil at the supermarket.
Once upon a time...
The End.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Fark off.
But, what I was really going to blog about was the Entitled ones. Gosh, I sincerely hope that if I have kids they do not turn out as molly-coddled mamas boys or daddys girls that rely way too much on technology and flaunt what they have. People who look at you like you are crazy when you say you don't use electric blankets - dude, get another doona or flannel pj's? People who can't fathom a bathroom cabinet not filled with every over the counter pain killer and then some. People who think struggling for money means they have to own 1 car, when they have 10 million laptops, Austar, a giant plasma, travel overseas every other year. Like that chick on Packed to the Rafters, though she is an over the top example.
I am damn fucking proud of the way I can live, taking the dirt road - as the old song goes. I mean it isn't something I have to work towards, it's how our family was raised - you know, in the real world? In reality?
I don't want to turn around one day and realise that my teenagers, adults, are so dependant on me they can't spend one night alone without having coniptions, separation anxiety on your first day of day care is one thing, but you know... I don't want to realise they don't know the value of a dollar and how to save or expect to have everything without really working for it. I don't want to see them look down their noses at people because they have made different choices in life.
Sometimes I feel like this. C has her licence and my god do I feel belittled for not having mine. I got my learners then I moved - you know, I took a chance, I left my parents behind and lead my own life? So anyway, here you have to have a certain number of hours on your learners which I obviously can't get since I don't have anyone to drive with. It never bothered me, I like the environmentally friendly and cheaper public transport. But now I feel so patronised by everyone. It makes me angry, like I mean all the time, it just simmers in my mind.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Tra-la-la..
Anyway, having an insomnia phase, complete with a binge eating, er, binge. Im bracing myself for the inevitable anorexia phase to follow.
OH MY GOD! Biggest news of the decade, rented a movie called Hybrid today - starring Cory Monteith, also known as Finn, or Terry in "Wendigo" (Supernatural episode) haha. He becomes a wolf-boy. Not a werewolf, so not gross and hairy and drooly, but absolutely sexy and dangerous and hunter-like that doesn't wear a shirt very often with wolf eyes. Actually he is shirtless on the cover - I didn't even notice until hours after I got home. It's like the Supernatural scene when Sam walks out of the bathroom in just a towel and all I thought was "what a hideous towel". See I'm not as shallow as I make myself out to be. I just like the sexy dangerous hunter thing...
That being said, I also rented the new Friday the 12th movie coz Jared Padalecki in it. I wish I hadn't. Those movies are never good. They are the epitome of teenage horror mo isvies - a bunch of horny teenagers. I highly detest such movies. And it's always, oh they are all dead - no real plot. At least Jared's character was more sensible than they usually are in bad horror movies.
$200 for an outfit? And they can't do that? Man, I've done it for under 20 - ok extreme circumstance. But 50 and under is easy...ish. 40 bucks for a damn hair clip?? Silly.
Masquerade Ball has been cancelled. Might pick it up again later but right now I mean I am trying to organise cross institution study, thinking about moving, my mental health is taking a drastic decline and I am only just keeping it together, I start uni in a week, and all the regular day to day living shite. Should probably tell Casey. But I think we are still not talking, and this won't help.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Im gonna kill him.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
If only she knew...
She is all like "if you have problems go somewhere else". If only she knew how much I don't take to her. If only she knew the reason I am thinking of moving out and leaving her behind is to protect her. I love her to pieces and I will miss her so much, but my depression hurts people. I have realised I have to live my life alone. I am going to have to become that angry and stand-offish and cruel girl I was in high school to keep people away from me.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Fuck you.
The bathroom: Pee on the floor. As usual. Bottles litter the shower floor that he has knocked off the shelf somehow. Subway wrappers on the floor. Wtf? The sink is filthy. There is probably cutlery and cups in there too, its so normal I find that I don't notice anymore.
The kitchen: No bench space due to about every plate and cup and bowl being scattered on it. Food scraps and wrappers. The wok not cleaned. The cutlery draw is even a mess, just a pile of utensils been shoved in. Ants everywhere. Rubbish and boxes that are his that he leaves for someone else to get rid of, you know - to go one metre out the door and put them in the big bins. The fridge must smell and be full of mouldy food, as (there are 2 fridges) K has moved into ours because he can't stand what they have done to the other one.
There is trash all through the lounge room, bottles on the floor that we know are his, no one else here drinks ginger beer.
I am yelling. It is going to begin with "Listen to me very carefully and do not interrupt. You are an arrogant, disrespectful slob!" And end with "in this country the women are not the help, the other guys clean up after themselves without complaint and we are not here for you to leave a mess and we will clean it up, if you don't like that then you go back to your own Communist country!" He is from China you see. I am going to follow him around all day making sure he cleans top to bottom like every other person in this house has so many times - due to him mostly. We have asked and asked him. Now I am going to yell. He has broken several parts of our lease agreement, so I will also be letting him know if this behaviour continues he may well be out on his ass.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Hear ye, hear ye.
That was fun to write.
"If I wasn't any good at cleaning the kitchen I wouldn't feel like I would fulfill my duty to society as a female, thank you for your validation, male."
Kitchen jokes are funny.
I am now addicted to FrontierVille. You should add me as a neighbour. It's good, I've never been addicted to a facebook game before. At the moment I have a bear and a rattle snake in my garden, but they aren't doing any damage and I don't have the means to get rid of them.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Wax on, wax off.
I am disappointed in myself at not having more preparation done on the advertising for my Masquerade Ball. Had a lot to deal with in the last week and so did not have time to open the bank account needed to fell the other dominos in the line.
I have just been complimented on my poetic writing - which is not strongly present in this entry of course, but still, I feel jubilant at the receiving of this praise. I am rather passionate about writing, and while I am aware not everyone had the same taste in literary styles, one thing that triggered my spiral into depression towards my last year of schooling and resulting in my failure of the year - was some rather cruel words and degrading of an assignment that I was rather proud of by my English teacher. Though it was once burned into my brain I can now not even remember her comments, I believe it was something along the lines of it not being academic enough. Guess I was always destined for fiction writing as opposed to academic scriptures.
I have been warned against taking philosophy as a university class as it may be 'frustrating' due to the inability to have an orginal thought. I now realise this may have been a compliment of sorts - in the sense that my stalwart attitude and insightful mind may cause me to feel repressed by my lecturers when they tell me my writings on the subject are not referenced enough, despite how impressive their content may be. However, I have concluded that I am an amatuer philosopher in the most basic sense and would be happy to study the great ideas and names behind them.