Gothic churches, hugged by emerald blades of grass.
Trees that struggle to adorn themselves with foliage,
just in time to be stripped bare once again by winter.
Their branches reaching, straining to reach the steeple.

A cottage, kept company by a mint green FJ Holden,
sunning itself in the light not hindered by the Weeping Willows that flank it.

Winter toparies,
harsh naked branch contorted into a fish, a hen and a family of deer.
Hollow gazes keeping watch on weary travellers.

Fingers of smoke, curling slowly to embrace a lonely field,
emanating from a small fire that will grow
to devour it's surroundings in it's untamed glory.

A flock of sheep, several dozen strong,
knowing the beautiful sunset
is followed by yet another bitterly cold night
to be endured.
Among them stands a lonely bovine,
it's white leather hide
splattered with black,
marking it as the black sheep.

Young lambs,
still new to the world,
still able to enjoy it,
bound across greener pastures
in their clumsy, innocent gait.

Train tracks,
winding through green hills,
the setting sun reflecting off their cool steel.
Meticulously maintained
for a train that now spends it days gawked at
as a marvel of history,
unmoving.

Family homes at the end of long dirt roads,
their owners clinging
to an apple pie life of so long ago,
those days are gone.

The tired truck driver
desiring to return to a waiting family.
It is a fast-food dinner
and a tasteless beer
that awaits him.

The fence,
once standing stalwart and proud
against malicious intruders,
now a crumbling and useless eyesore.

Green fields, once home
to thriving forests,
flowing rivers,
families of
twittering animal life,
watchful mothers,
hard working fathers,
laughing children
and lazy sundays,
now a mere obstacle
separating cold, impersonal cities.

My weekend.

So on Friday, everything went wrong, but then kind of right. I nearly missed the bus into Launnie coz at the bus stop I remembered I left my phone on my bed. My internet wouldn't load my bank, so I had to scramble to find a pay phone in Launceston to put money into my account. I had to then wait to be put through to customer service to set up a password, then I had to do the actual banking. I went to get breakfast, ordered a bacon, egg and cheese toastie. Checked into the bus, he's all like "You haven't paid" so I paid again, when I got home I checked my bank and emails and I have now paid twice - so I need to go yell and get a refund. Then I sat down to eat breakfast, and it was the wrong order. So I had to go back.
After all that, I was exhausted from the stress. So I checked in early, but I went for a walk - it took me foreverrrr to find somewhere just to buy milk. Then I crashed from 3 - 8, and spoke to Ma somewhere in there, haha, I barely remember it.

I woke up at 8 and nearly slept right through but decided to get KFC for dinner.

Markets on Saturday :) I miss going to markets, I bought Ticktock by Dean Koontz, and so I am now terrified of rag dolls. I also bought a cat magnet to send to Betty, she loves her cats :) And it's made from bread dough! I had fogotten allll about that until I saw it on Saturday, Ma taught me how to make it as a kid. I also bought handmade fudge, it was three bars for $10, so I got chocolate (duh), tassie tiger (chocolate and caramel, I was really looking foward to it), and a kahlua one for Casey. Somewhere along the line I lost my caramel one coz the bag broke :(

Went shopping. For lunch I ordered a chicken burger, somehow ended up with a cheese burger and chips...ok. Got a new gold necklace and earrings and bracelet - Diva was having a sale, lol.

Ohh went to Hogs Breath for dinner, had the best chicken ceasar salad everrr. And the biggest piece of mudcake with icecream, whipped cream and the plate covered in hot fudge sauce. I nearly died when I saw it, lol. Yummmmyyy.

Next day, more shopping. Got new sunnies, yay! A denim vest, black singlet with kind of ruffles at the front..more chocolate. Full length tights, a bracelet, Maccas for lunch! God, their burgers just keep shrinking don't they?

On Monday I checked out and went and saw Salt. Now, I pretty much detest Angelina Jolie, but Daddy saw it and said it was good, and it did look alright, and I like Belthazar Getty, so I saw it. I actually liked Angelina in it. She's doing better roles than she used to, she was just an objectified sex symbol and I really just wanted to punch her characters. But now, yeah, I like her for the most part.

Went op-shopping, 2 new tops, yay. Had a coffee at Gloria Jeans and read Ticktock. Then got the bus home. I stared out the window for the most time, the sun was setting half-way through, and I saw some odd and pretty things, and wrote a poem in a burst of inspiration.

Songs I would love to see done on Glee;

Keeping in mind here in Australia we haven't gotten past the first season :(

I need a Hero - Pat Benetar.

Walking in Memphis - Mark Cohen, Lonestar (my favourite version is Lonestar, Casey likes the original, so whatever)

When you're good to Mama - Queen Latifa on the Chicago soundtrack, I would love to see Mercedes belt this one out :)

Wild at Heart - Gloriana.

Baby it's cold outside.

Revolution.

Stay. Oh my God, Sugarland almost puts me into tears with the emotion in this one, I can't imagine how one of the cast of Glee wouldn't :)

...that's all I have so far.

Teh interwebz is shitting me. It's uber slow and crap. I believe there is someone in zee house downloading, not only illegally but disrespectfully. I hope it's just having a spazzy day because I have an assignment I need to work on.

I watched G.I. Rise of Cobra today. I loved it. I was told it was not very good - but dude, so epic. Well not that epic, but I'd buy it. I didn't see those twists coming - though I should have. I think normally I would have, but I was facebooking and frontiervilling at the same time so I wasn't thinking about it too much. But it made it so awesome, haha.

Still depressed. It still haunts me. I get "you know, your mood changes are so sudden, maybe you have bi-polar?" Well, I think I am for more than that - I go from sleeping like a rock to not at all, I go very quickly from no motivation to a productive whirlwind and yes, on the outside my emotions do seem to change in a matter of seconds. That's not what really happens, what really happens is my control goes from waivering but holding to crashing down. That big black dog throws itself at my barriers, over and over and eventually the barriers break. It also seems to wake up at night. It's growling and barking and attacking as we speak. The barriers are holding for the moment, but there are cracks. Im just at the angry stage at the moment, though still for the most part repressing it.

This is the "making stupid decisions" stage though. I ordered pizza for dinner because I really didn't want what I had out. I mean, I really, really didn't. I can't afford pizza for dinner. Financially or fat-wise. Gah.

Oooh I saw The Expendables on Friday. EPIC WIN times infinity :) I do so love Sly, and Jason Statham is my favourite actor, and just all the others that I absolutely adore that were in it. I quite like Mickey Rourke in movies. Ah yes, a most excellent movie. The story line a tad weak, but who cares. Haha.

I can't win. Last night, I came up to my room as soon as I knew I was losing it. As soon as I knew I was about to bring everyone down. I have depression, that's a fact. I am trying to control it, but sometimes I can't. And having just started a new pill, my chemicals are a little unstable right now.
So I came upstairs, left everyone else out of it (yeah, I ranted on here, but I know for a fact none of them read this) and tried my hardest to do the right thing.
But, they are all in the loungeroom - and sound in this house carries. Apparently I am just the worst person ever, an attention seeker.
Sorry for wanting my best friend to ask me if I am ok, even though I would smile and say I'm fine, it would be nice to be asked.

My best friends name is Stanley.
He's not very good for me, or so I thought.
I had a friend (or so I thought) take him away.

I realise he was there for me when I needed him. Needed a friend.
I rescued him.
Now it's me and Mr. Knife against the world.
He'll be here when no one else cares enough to be.

It just occured to me, when Casey was upset I spent hours in her room talking to her and trying to cheer her up. The next day I bought her flowers, took her out for lunch and out shopping. Kyran messaged her to ask her if she was ok.

I'm upset, and it's just me. No one cares in the slightest.

I really am alone.

I can't do this. It's just not going to work. Another 50 odd years of this? Meaningless days. I have nothing to look foward to. I get up. Go to uni. That's it. I attempt to sleep. I wait for uni to roll around again on weekends because I am cooped up all day.
No one cares. I am alone. It's just me. I'm barely even here myself. I was just seriously considering munchausens. I thought I could down some cleaner right before a uni class. Someone might care when I start coughing up blood in a lecture. Of course, they might only care enough to tell me to die quietly.
I crave violence. I scare myself with it. People care when you do bad things. Attack people. Kill people. They pay attention then.
I won't be surprised if I snap one day.