Gosh, that's a lot of rain.

Gosh, that's a lot of rain.

I'm gonna be blunt. I miss sex.

I fucking hate formal season, I never got one. Not in grade 10 or 12. It's my biggest regret so far in life. So you know, doing pretty well really. But every fucking year I have to have it shoved in my face for weeks, months even.

I have worked my ass off this last week, yoga pilates and cross trainer. Then that time of the month rolls around I keep devouring everything in sight. I shouldn't have made cupcakes.

I just looked up my ideal weight for being healthy and all. I'm supposed to lose 17 kilograms (about 35 pounds). HOLY HELL. Ok, I don't like my weight, but I don't even think I'm all that big. I mean, I want to lose weight to be healthy, not necessarily for looks, but damn.

This was posted by JessTheMess on teenhelp.org in the Self Expression forum, I absolutely love it and wanted to share it with y'all.

What will we do tonight
The moon is out, the stars are up
Shining about as much as our love

What will we do tonight
Will we stand up and fight
For what what we believe

What will we do tonight
Make love by the shore, yeah we might
Under the moonlight, it's peaceful and calm

What will we do tonight
We're young, strong and in love
What will we do tonight? Whatever we want? Damn right

Poison envy, wraps around my soul,

The spines tearing me from the inside out.

Venom runs through my veins.



The world a haze of shadows,

Hatred haunts my every thought.

Craving to tear apart your world

and everything you hold dear.

I need to destroy your self esteem and

destroy your smile.



Screaming at life and chance,

how are you so fulfilled

while I am but a broken shell

filled with only hate, anger, envy and sadness?



Why are you so pretty, so desired

while I attract only sneers and disgust?

Where do you get your confidence,

it feels as though you drained it from me.



I bite my venomous tongue,

hide my scorching gaze,

keep gentle my killing touch,

and die a little more with your every appearance.

A touch. A kiss. A smile.

A rapid heartbeat.

The triumph of finding you.



A contented sigh.

A happy tear.

Disbelief at your desire.



Fade into darkness.

Fighting the tide.

The need to stay.



The realisation.

The shattering hopes.

Return to the waking world.

I never want kids. Never. Never. Never. I feel so sorry for Nikki, I do. But I have never wanted and it feels like I'm the bad guy for stuggling with Koby. He hates me and won't cooperate, I've tried. Tried to play with him, offered to take him to the park, gave him a freddo. But he hits me, throws stuff at me, spits at me and yells at me.

My scars are suddenly almost completely faded. Except one. I don't think it healed right, it gets awful itchy and it, it just looks weird.

Also, our phone has "Oricom" written on it, but I thought it said "Omicron". I was momentarily amused.

I love my nephew to pieces, but I know for certain I do no want kids. I don't know how my sister is doing it, I couldn't.

My last post seems really emo and whiney.
I really am interested in knowing if anyone reads this, and what you think of me.

Because I'm female like that.

Does anyone read this?

Does anyone notice?

Does anyone care?

So, International students and Queensland student can get concessions on trains, but not other Australian state students? How messed up is that??

Paying Fifty bucks to get home. I've spent so much money, I hope I can save after this week. It shoulod be easier, I've bought clothes to keep me going, I end up paying more in Tassie coz my options are so limited. I hate how much I've spent. It's like, I want to go travel, but I hate that it will pretty much send me broke.

I was watching Glee again, 'Never Been Kissed', ah such a beautiful episode. I thought 'god, I can't believe people get hassled like that, it never happens over here,' then realised I was the one that got hassled like that at my school. Derp.

Nothing boosts your confidence like seeing your nephew in the morning and having him sob and say "Don't talk to me, you're scary!".

I have realised I seriously resent my parents and sought to escape them because if it wasn't for them I would have put myself out of my misery years ago.

Oh my godddd, it's, like, totally been, like, agesss, since I've, like, blogged!

Hmm but yah, as I'm sure you're all totally gagging for the next thrilling installment of my unlife, I shall recap.
Flew to Brisbane. Stayed at Daddy's. Went to WhiteWaterWorld with Nikki and Koby. Went shopping. Went to Maryborough. Came back to Brisbane. I got back on the 8th. I'd like to slow down a minute. But I think the next three months are going to feel like this no matter what.

Anyway, saw Jess this afternoon, twas win! It was like we'd only seen each other yesterday, and we both knew the drill, junk food, scary movie, gossip. Hehe. I had so much fun.

Going shopping again tomorrow. I don't need anything. I will probably spend too much :( Haha.

A moment you felt most satisfied with your life.

...

...

...

...

I'm not sure what it even feels like to be satisfied with your life. I don't mean that in a complainy way, I just mean I really can't imagine it. So I don't know if I have ever felt it, you know?
Besides, I demand more than mere satisfaction. That sounds so dull.

"Only the good die young" is a song that I feel epitomises Casey.
She's not coming to the halloween party tonight, why does that not fricken surprise me? She has a headache, big fucking shock.
She's afraid to live. It's only a party, but knowing who is going to be there, it's going to be the source of some great memories. It's an opportunity, it's a life experience. She's never been to a party remotely as good as tonight is going to be. It shits me, she misses so many opportunities. I think her headaches are psychological. She'll never quite grow up as much as others if she continues to avoid life.

Your zodiac sign and if you think it suits you.

Ok, the definition of Taurus that I usually read says you like the best of the best, fine food and clothes and what not. Which is ridiculous. Give me a cheeseburger and I'm happy. But the definition I have just found appears to describe me a lot better.

• If you were to describe the typical Taurus temperament, you would probably use words such as ‘cautious’, ‘practical’ and ‘purposeful’. One word you definitely wouldn’t use is ‘impulsive’. When you are making important decisions in life, decisions about things that are vital to your security and the welfare of those you love, you spend a long time on them. You want those decisions to be rock solid.
  

Every now and them I make impulsive decisions, but yes I suppose for the most part this is true.

• Once your mind is made up, you have amazing persistence and follow through, plus tons of energy — you rarely give up on a task once you’ve decided on it. And you’ll stick to your guns, even if you’re being provoked, tempted or ridiculed. This will be a blessing at some times and a curse at others.
  

Ohhh so wrong. I so rarely finish what I started.

• Those who love you and offer you constructive criticism don’t mean to hurt you — they have your best interests at heart — and what they offer can be useful to you. Try to remember that.
  

Constructive critism is listened to, but generally scars me mentally.

• If you look inside yourself, you’ll see that sometimes the reason you hold on to your position or opinion so fiercely is that you fear change.
  Because you take such pride in your ability to see things through to the end, people who try to meddle with what you have set out to do, or change the rules of the game, are likely to hear from you, loud and clear. You really, really want to finish what you start.
  Also, people will not have much success if they try to push something onto you and leave you no room to control your destiny. Then the bull in you really starts to make itself heard and felt.
  

Well, it's true if you push me to do something I am really not going to do it, I refuse to do anything on someone else's say-so. But, as I do finish very little I set out to do, comment on it and I shall be very angry with you.

• On the other side of the coin, you also like to take it easy. This goes back to liking to leave things as they are. You may need to keep an eye on this — complacency and apathy are down the end of that path.
  Change is the only constant in life and you may need to remind yourself of this every now and then; trying to resist all change leads only to stress and dissatisfaction with your life and relationships.
  

I like change. Only because life is shit, so I figure if it changes there's a chance it will get a tiny bit better.

• You also have a great love affair with the finer things in life. If you could find a servant to help with all the boring jobs you hate, you could live the luxurious life you dream of!
  

Yeah, see, no.

• You are a great mate. When you agree to help someone, you go to any lengths to keep your word. You’ll never let yourself or others down. You are extremely dependable.
  

I like to think so. I try to be.

• You’re also exceptionally sensitive and very patient. You’re prepared to wait as long as it takes for the right moment to act and you seize the opportunity when it wanders anywhere near you. Patience is one of your greatest virtues and it usually pays off.
  

I don't know if I am all that patient. I can be sensitive to comments others make about me, though I act on how it's affected me, it's only lately that I have admitted this.

• Actually, simplicity is what appeals to you — you can’t stand pompousness and look-at-me behaviour. You know that beauty is not about what you wear or what hairstyle you have.
  

Here we go, this is right. Don't flout your shallow pride at me, biatch. Lol.

• You enjoy getting your hands dirty with gardening, practical hobbies and odd jobs around the home. Hard work doesn’t scare you in the least.
  

:)

• Taurus is a touchy-feely sign, which means you rely on your feelings rather than your mind when you try to understand your experiences.
  

Hm. I analyse how I feel about things somewhat, so I suppose this is half true.

• You trust your own intuition about others — and you are usually right. However, you have terrific reasoning skills as well, so don’t dismiss your sensible nature; balancing these two sides of yourself will increase your success in life.
  

I don't, but I should. My first feelings about people tend to be kind of correct, but I ignore them because I don't like to judge, and later regret this, ususally.

• If you are a Taurean born between 20 April and 29 April you are under the double influence of Venus. You are sensual, loving and destined to be lucky in love. Try to curb your appetite to have the biggest and best of everything however. Learning the art of contentment is one of your main life lessons.

Ah yes. This last line is very true, I find it very difficult to be happy with myself. I always want to do more. Not want more, do more.
Also, fail on the love part. I don't believe in love, I am epic jaded in the whole love thing.

Write 30 interesting facts about yourself.

1. The next blogger topic on the list is actually "A time when you thought about ending your own life," but that's way too negative for me at the moment, haha.
2. I have a Stiggy Bank, a Stig Egg cup, 2 Stig mugs, a Stif pen, a Top Gear diary and calender, and a couple of shirts. This isn't that interesting, but meh,
3. The night before that time of the month I get uber paranoid, like, 5 year-old-holy-crap-there's-something-in-my-bedroom-about-to-kill-me paranoid.
4. I am an athiest.
5. I am a Gleek.
6. I want to build several classic muscle cars from the ground up, but know very little about mechanics.
7. My Laptop's name is Bobby, my USB is Ash, my mp3 players are Sammy and Dean. My imaginary '67 Chevy Impala is John.
8. I just realised I haven't named my phone. Castiel is now his name.
9. I am currently reading "The Face" by Dean Koontz.
10. Today, Casey gets back, everytime I think I hear a car I run out to look out the window. Which means, I've been doing that about every 5 minutes.
11. I am allergic to vegetables. No one ever believes me. It's highly annoying and the one thing guaranteed to piss me off. You know, it's a stupid thing to lie about. I'm not allergic to fruit, I will freely admit I don't like most of them.
12. I really want to move back to Queensland, but at least down here I feel like I have made some kind of progress in my life.
13. The inside of my lip is permanently split since I bit it stupidly hard with my stupidly crooked teeth.
14. I am such a blogger stalker.
15. I am now half-way through this list.
16. This year, for Halloween, I am going to Jenna's party as Simi the Charonte demon.
17. If I ever build John, I am going to live in him on the road for at least 6 months. Hopefully longer. It's a life goal. Unfortunately, this is in the states, so I am not sure how I am going to achieve it.
18. Sometimes, this is the life that feels like a dream, and the stories I make up in my head the ones I really live. Which is probably why I don't get very far in life.
19. I really miss working at Best and Less.
20. I believe humans are really serial monogamists, and we are not, in fact, one of the incredibly few species on Earth that mates for life. Break-ups are a beginning, not a failure. You can 'love' more than one person just as much over the course of your life. I believe what blinds us to this, and that we believe if your longest life relationship ends that we have failed epically, is the marriage constitution. It is a something exclusive to humans, and in our romatic silliness, we forget that while it's possible we will spend our lives with one person, at the very end, I doubt you will love them as much asyou once did. That there is someone else you may have crossed paths with in life that was to be the second great love (and so on), and that ignoring this possiblity you miss out on some wonderful oppotunities.
21. As much as I believe in this, I don't yet believe in love. At all. Hopefully, one day someone gives me a reason to, but I think this is more likely not to happen than it is likely to happen.
22. When I was younger, I was a total cheapskate, didn't really spend much money. I didn't notice until my sister made an off the cuff comment about it, and I think this is why i over-spend now.
23. I don't know about others, but it's these kind of comments that tend to mark me the most in my life. I have no idea why. I guess because they hold the most truth.
24. In this reality, I hope that my first car is a 4 wheel drive of some sort. I feel very small and confined in sedans, and find it hard to see and judge distances. I think I would be a better driver in a 4 wheel drive. Even a little one, like a Nissan Dualis or something.
25. I will have Carry on Wayward Son by Kansas as my funeral song. I want to be buried. Actually, I want a big fancy tomb. Lol.
26. I have already written my will. I recently re-wrote it, since my old one was from before I was 18. I just have to get around to legalising it. No matter how hard I try, I struggle to write it without it being from the perspective that my death is a suicide.
27. I am hungry.
28. I can't see the word 'house' without thinking "Who's house?? Run's house!". Usually I also sing it out loud.
29. My water squirty has stopped working and I can't work out why.
30. Everytime I hear the word 'Melbourne' I say out loud "Fuck you, Melbourne!", whether I am alone or not.

I found this on a tumblr. Since I am not yet on that bandwagon and not sure I ever will be, I am posting it here. It was made by the guy who's name is at the bottom of it. Or girl, I don't know...

Your views on religion.

Hmmm. How complicated. I'm an athiest myself. I suppose, religion in itself isn't bad. In the case of Quinn Fabray, it can be quite good for some people when going through hard times. It's human error and greed and evil that causes religion to become a tool for war and oppression and the justification for murder and destroying races.

Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Pretty much the same as my view on everything, if it doesn't hurt others, then go for it. Which means, drugs bad. I believe you have a responsibility to your fellow man to not do drugs. It fuels the drug trade, causes death and illness, homelessness, robbery, etc.

Alcohol, I think if you know you are a violent or abusive drunk then you shouldn't drink, and don't force others to drink if they don't want to.

I now pretty much drink around friends that drink, and don't around, well, Casey. I'm over it, I'm not a big fan of how it makes me feel. The sick feeling, not the giddy funny feeling, haha. But going back up to Queensland, I can tell I'm gonna have some messy nights, haha.

Where you'd like to be in 10 years.

I've actually been thinking about this lately. Well, mostly about showing up at my 10 year high school reunion (which I organised, because I have had an uber successful events organising business) in jeans and a t-shirt being all broody and stand off-ish and the hottest thing there. I haven't decided if my family will be with me, I live in the states you see, and my kids young so I don't think I want to subject them to the plane flight. But I don't want to just leave them with my new brother (found out I was adopted), so I come alone. Or I just hire a private jet so the kids aren't so cooped up for 12 hours. But I don't like that, a private jet? Gosh how over the top, how conceited, how flashy. Nah, don't like that.

Anyway, then in comes the suicide bomber, coz people in my highschool? I really wouldn't be surprised if someone did show up with shrapnel bombs strapped to themselves, still pissed off ten years later at the people in our grade. Sometimes, I think that person will be me. But, in my fantasy, it's not, because if I die then the story has to end, and I like daydreaming too much. So I'm kind of torn between just leaving and letting them all die, but instead I talk to this person, slowly walk towards them, then bam! Grab them, kick their knee in, and put them down. I handcuff them with the cuff I have clipped to my boots and with my little knife in my other boot, keen eyes and explosive knowlege, cut the wire running from the timer to the explosives itself.
You see, I have violent life, so I always have a weapon on me. And I have cuffs, coz if I can restrain or knock unconscious instead of kill, I will.
So yeah, then I'm awesome. And someone (a little later, after the cops deal with this and whatever) gets on stage and calls me up to thank me, and I get up there, and with the most evil and outraged look on my face, I tell them all that I should have let them die, that they are bastards and the fact that someone was still angry enough to want to kill them after 10 years should make them realise how horrible they are.

Oh by the way, coz I am so awesome, the only reason I have kids is because my awesome partner wants them. I find out this fear I have of being pregnant is a legitimate phobia (which I wouldn't be surprised if it was) but I go through 9 months of being terrified and trying to, essentially, get away from my own body, locked up in my bedroom. Coz I am deeply in like with this guy and want to make him happy, haha.

But then he cheats on me and I leave the kids with him and go to New Orleans with my friend who is as badass and violent as me and go clubbing.

Also, I designed my own house. It's awesome. It's all dark wood and reds and on your left when you walk in the wall is painted like "desert at night" theme with sillhouettes of giraffes and big bare trees. The doors to the 2 downstairs bedrooms are there too, but you can't see them. No handles, and no real door frame, they blend in, but I know where they are, haha.

There is also a piano in the far left corner, coz I can play :)

Soooo....beyond this fantasy, I have no real plans. All my 'plans' for my life are pretty much like this. Impossible, hopeless, silly, etc.

Your current relationship. If single, discuss how single life is.

Well, there's pros and cons to both sides, I suppose. I don't really know, single life in itself is not bad. These past 3 weeks, I have been alone, like, completely, not just single. Just kicking around, studying, cleaning, reading, watching dvds, going for walks. I like it. I have realised I love that I don't need anyone or anything. Except my books, I need those.

I see people around me in relationships, and it's been nice because lately things have been going well for all of them. Not long ago all I would have heard was how horrible it was. I found it hard to sympathise.

I guess, a relationship is a committment, right? I don't do committment. That makes things in general feel too permanent for me. If I had more money at my disposal, or an inclination to gain it with criminal activities, or just a car, I'd be flitting around quite a bit, much to my father's dismay, no doubt. But I couldn't do that, decided to go somewhere and just leave....

Actually, since I don't flit so much, that's a moot point.

Ok, single life is all well and good, but being single? Not so much. It would be nice to know I'm not worthless, useless, a waste of space and precious resources, that I meant something in someone's life. I mean, I don't need validation, but I like me, I like me a lot, but since no one else does, I feel like kind of a freak. I guess a relationship would make me feel slightly less out of the proverbial global loop.

I'm going to be a teacher. It's going to take 5 years at university, but I will be specialising in Philosophy and English.

I will be able to travel with it.

Mostly, I want to be a teacher that listens to her students. Because really, how flippin infuriating is it when they don't see you as people? Or not smart enough to have anything important to say? Or not old enough to feel seriously depressed?

I want them to tell me the best way to teach them, how they learn best, etc.

I want to teach that one class that you hate just a little less.



That sounds like great motivation, right? I mean, it's genuinely how I feel, but really, I don't think I will do any good.



You know what I want to be? A SWAT officer. A vigilante. A NAVY SEAL.

Haha. But I can't imagine ever being that fit. I mean, I've been part of a gym, gotten up at 5am and been at the doors before the place was even open. I worked hard, man. I am also uber un-co. I just didn't seem to get anywhere. I would love a life spent with my muscles burning, fast thinking a survival essential, never a minute without some kind of injury sustained in the line of duty. Guns hidden around my house, a knife under my pillow, sleeping in clothes and combat boots. I like the idea of a whip hidden in the back of my jacket, handle waiting for my hand. The end will be tipped with blades, of course. Haha.



I blame Matthew Reilly books. Scarecrow is awesome, I'm pretty jealous of his life. Haha.



But, that's all epic silly. So I am going to be a teacher. My life will be teaching students who don't care, who hate each other for shallow reasons, marking paper after paper at night, total routine in general. Ew.

Oh my god. 2 weeks from tomorrow! I can't wait. I cry with happiness and anticipation so often these days. It's home. I didn't appreciate it at all. But I mean today I was just thinking I wish I could go to Morayfield. The Friday I get there Nikki and I are going shopping there! I'm flippin excited. It might sound silly, but it's the shopping centre I grew up going to, and there was something about going up the escalators and turning right and going straight to K-Mart. I never realised how much that tiny bit of routine meant. Haha.
Those kids I teach better appreciate me, dammit.

Nothing like a wave of depression setting in while you're trying to study.

Sociology exam tomorrow. Grr. Exams on a Saturday? And at 9? I have to get up at 7 :( Well it's not that bad.

I guess I should have twigged I was going down hill when trying to figure out what to wear tomorrow and not liking any of my options. I know it sounds weird, but yeah...

I get to go to Wiggle Bay at WhiteWaterWorld with Nikki and Koby when I get back to Queensland :) Yay, coz I so didn't wanna wait that long to see Koby, haha. Now I only have to wait a day after I get back :)

Upon being a creeper and looking at randoms' photos of their last year at highschool - I now get it. A) Their grade was tiny, our was flippin huge, I sure didn't know half the people in it. And B) they had free dress days, and gender swap days, etc. They were allowed to have fun! It's an important step towards comraderie among a grade, those fun and free days.
It makes sense, when I compare high school to my primary school days. Those were the differences.

I miss having friends. Plural. All near me. I feel so alone.

My god. I nearly killed myself in high school. Literally. I fucking hated it. I am still filled with blinding rage and agony when I think of it. And here's these kids that have graduated today and are all upset and posting their thanks to their classmates for an awesome few years and taking photos etc. Well, I'm happy for them, I am. It's one reason I want to be a teacher, to try and do something for students, attempt to make something a little better for them.

Before, I thought all highschools were as bad as mine, that everyone had a horrible time. It just hurts even more now to know it could have been avoided.

OH MY GOD, IM SO ANGRY.

So, Candice made this comment about Casey's getting baptised:
"Yeah, my baptism was great! Just remember that Satan will not like it AT ALL, and be prepared for attacks"

I said "Dammit, Candice, now we need a new plan of attack!" haha being funny, - is that at all offensive? Seriously, considering Im not a satanist, I can't imagine how it is.

Candice says "You can graze our knees, but we will crush your skull"
I dont know what that means, but I said "Your knees are already grazed, what with the kneeling. I guess our work here is done then, haha *dusts off hands*" coz you know, you kneel to pray right? So, haha, still not offensive right?

Then those comments were suddenly gone, and it confused the fuck out of me, coz I seriously had no idea if I had imagined the whole thing or not, what with my mental instability. Anyway, you should see this massive message Deb just sent me, fucking bitch, saying I need to "respect Casey's beliefs" and shit, I was like dude! DONT talk to me about needing to tolerate others beliefs, I was a fucking Pagan, I am fucking accepting of everyones religion!
And Casey makes jokes about the church just as much as I do, and she will admit it too.

I'M SO MAD

Every night I turn off my light then dive onto my bed from the opposite side of the room. The amount of times I've nearly missed or gone through my window still seems like a better alternative to the monster under my bed grabbing my ankles.

I wish beauty was like fish scales. You know that fish, that uber pretty glittery one? And all the other fish get jealous and then he shares his pretty scales around so all the little fishies get to be pretty? Yeah, I wish that could happen.

But then, I suppose we'd have a lot of people going around scaling pretty girls.

Actually, I still don't mind.

Gosh I am in an epic good mood - that's what Glee does to me, lol.
It still never fails to make me like songs I previously hated. I was so anti-madonna, but the Glee cast make her songs good, lol.

SIMPSONS EPISODE WITH CORY MONTIETH AND LEAH MICHELE! And Mercedes, I didn't know she was going to be on it, and I don't know her real name...

Listening to some new Glee songs - goddamn, I am loving Puck and Only the Good Die Young, haha.
Pretty sure these songs have put me in a good mood of epic proportions!

You know what I love? Present shopping. Today I got to buy for two birthdays and a wedding. And I started Christmas shopping. Gosh it was fun. Koby is going to be darn spoilt, I got him the cutest outfit and some pretty awesome marker type pen extender things, colouring books and pads and stuff. Ma is getting new pj's, pink shorts with cute green frogs and a green top to match. Thought she'd like the youthful theme.

Got her a new turquise top with lace on the sleeves and on the back neckline to go with the photo of us in a pretty frame for her birthday. It's not often I have photos with any of my family, but she was adament we took this one and she doesn't even have a copy.

Got a pretty black glass fram with a few silver cherry blossom flowers on it to go with the adorable baby clothes I got for Jess and Luke, they are getting married and having a baby girl, I so wish I could go to their wedding, but it's in Melbourne and I have uni exams :(

Got a present for Bek too - but I'm too paranoid to detail it here... haha

Also bought horns, black lipstick, fangs and a sexky gothic garter for Halloween :)

Now I am going to eat chips and chicken nuggets and watch movies :)

The word: Milwuakee
What I say in my head: "Milli-wall-kay". Thanks, Alice Cooper.

The word: Sean Bean
What I say in my head: Seen Been.

The word: Chicago
What I say in my head: Chick-ago. The dumbass daughter on Married with Children read it that way when she was a weather girl.

The word: Karate
What I say in my head: Ka-rart-aye, like King in Blade: Trinity.

The word: Wichita
What I say in my head: Wit-cheetah.

Every time.

I'm so bored.
AH! Red Right Hand is on this soundtrack! So one of my favourite songs. *doo, do do do, do do do, doo, doo* haha

See, when John C. Reilly isn't doing crap comedies, I like him in movies.

Hmm. Damn you viscious cirle of "I'm fat, so I'm depressed, so I am going to eat my feelings and watch dvd's and get fatter."

I designed the tattoos I want. I was going to get "Ma" and "Daddy" on each wrist, now they are accompanied by pictures that remind me of them, lol.

Whoa, the kid who plays Darren Shan looks a hell of a lot different outside of this movie. No wait, now he's joined the cirque officially he's found his cute side, lol.

*sigh* this blog is my way of holding off lonliness. It's not really woring.

Watching "The Vampire's Assistant". Willem Dafoe does not have an aversion to wearing make-up does he?

Lol, "Vampanese".

It's an odd movie, I like it so far.

Watching Repo Men, though it's really just the mainstream verstion of Repo! The Genetic Opera. Which is fine for me, when it comes to movies I like mainstream, haha. And it's Jude Law and Forest Whitaker, whom I love. And it began with Jude Law saying "What do I remember? I remember reading about a scientist. He had a thing with cats and boxes." Although the script proceeded to take the whole "alive and dead at the same time" thing a bit literally.

I watched Green Zone a before this too, fark the whole Iraq war shits me, and the reasons of how it came about. "Reasons" being used loosely. "Excuses" is a far better word.

Having a fat day, lol. Caught the bus to uni instead of walking. Had Hungry Jack's for lunch. Hired more dvd's and bought Smarties and cream buns.

Meh. I'm happy :) lol

Don't cut. Don't cut. Don't cut. Don't cut. Don't Cut. You're going to see your parents in just under a month. That is not enough time to heal, and it will be summer, you can't cover it up.

Although, no one ever seems to notice.

Shush! What would it do to your parents?

At least I'm likely to live.

One day you won't, you'll cut too deep.

That's ok.

To you maybe, but you've been such a horrible burden to your parents already, the least you could do is put up with this soul-destroying agony so they don't feel guilty.

Are you the Angel or the Devil on my shoulder?

I'm whatever I need to be to make sure you don't have to see that look of disappointment in their eyes.

I miss Stanley.

He only hurt you.

That was the point. He is there for me, no one else ever is.

Harden up.

I can't. Don't you see that I can't? I'm so tired.

Go to your happy place.

I don't have one.

Make one.

I've tried. It's depressing, because it's not real. None of it is. I'm a fat, miserable, hideous failure. I will never help people. I will never make anyone happy. That's all I want, but it won't happen. I just make people mad.

You haven't tried hard enough.

This isn't a soap opera. This isn't a musical. Life isn't that easy. Happiness and acceptance of self doesn't automatically come with the dysfunctional but loving comraderie you have with your crazy family or nerd friends. People don't stick together. Selfish people don't learn to love. There is nothing beautiful in war. Killers do go free. The fat, miserable, hideous failure does not find a Prince Charming. She doesn't even get a toad. Wishes don't come true. Some crazy coincidence doesn't create the opportunity for the perfect career. There is no purpose or order to life. We are atoms and molecules that happened to form humans and now we are living because we can. It's just killing time. Sure, we can try to make something out of this nothing we have, but ultimately most of us will die with little more than we were born with. I have no talent to exploit, no looks to strut down a runway, no savantism to benefit from, no money to spend to make more, no high school diploma to become something important, no coordination to become an expert in Krav Maga and become a vigilante. I am nothing. I always will be, I am not going to delude myself into thinking otherwise.

...

Just finished the Glee book. They didn't put in the creepy pedo gay Sandy thing in, actually for the whole book he was at a Doll Convention (lol). I suppose, that didn't really work with the rest of the plot.

Ergh. I need to change pills. Irratic as ever, and for some reason the pain was here this month, at least I haven't had that. But the worst part is that time of the month my anti-depressants don't work. So yeah, pretty much bursting into tears for no apparent reason on a regular basis today and for the next week or so. *sigh*

Was having a shit day, just feelin' sick n stuffs. But then I got home and found my books had been delivered. :) The Glee novel, Nick's Dark Hunter novel and the 5th Sign of the Zodiac are now neatly on my shelf. I've been dying for these books.

And the Glee novel came with a poster, with either Finn and Rachel or Finn and Quinn :) I'm happy, both sides having Finn and all...

More packing. :) Put some stuff in my suitcase that I don't need and don't want to pack into storage by accident because I do want to take them to QLD.

Bought scales today, thought I lost weight but I gained it :( But I was doing it by measurements before and it's possible some is muscle which is heavier. But then, my legs are just fat now because I stopped walking as much as I used - so I fixed that. Walk to and from uni now, that should help. So I have no idea. Lol.

Holy crap, I was just brushing my teeth and a hunk of tooth came out! I was totally freaking out, except from the front you can't tell, and when I looked at where it came from, I don't think it's really meant to be there anyway. It was between two other teeth and behind one...er yeah hard to explain. No other teeth are lose, I've been noticing this bit moving when I brush my teeth. But I am goin to start skulling milk or something I think.

I'm going to be Simi for Halloween! The Charonte demon from Sherrilyn Kenyon's Dark Hunter series. It's great, coz she's a goth chick with wings and horns. So I just have to buy the wings and horns, instead of spending a fortune on a whole costume. I'm gonna carry a BBQ sauce bottle around too, coz she eats everything (people, dogs, steak, whatever) and carries BBQ sauce with her, lol.

Gahh. So tired. I really need to start studying. I have so much other crap to do next week.

I can't wait to get my sewing machine! My dress is going to be uber pretty :) Tis all cut out, just need my machine!

Sooo the Commonwealth Games are on about 5 different channels. Including both channel 10 channels. Wasn't that what they made One HD for? Sport? It's annoying, I have to miss Glee dammit.

Then Casey gets all mad at us for caring and was like "think about the athletes" rah rah rah. They don't do it for us. If we bitched about question time being on tv no one would disagree with us and tell us to 'think of the politicians'. Also, the thing about it being on 5 channels is a tad annoying.

Goddamn that nerdy guy on Criminal Minds is sooooo creepy. Like, he should be the serial killer every episode.

I have to re-bleach my hair.

I packed my books today. Holy cow it feels weird, I do so love my books. I love just looking at them. Love having them around.

Watching The Island, it's high-larious. Lol.
But suddenly they were on a giant R on the side of a building and I have no idea how they got there because I was on failbook. Haha.

This is an excerpt from Born in Death by Nora Roberts.

She was a cop, a Homicide Lieutenant with eleven year on the job protecting and defending the hard, merciless streets of New York. There was little she hadn't seen, touched, smelled or waded through. Because people, to her mind, would always and could always find more inventive and despicable ways to kill their fellow man, she knew just what torments could be inflicted on the human body.
But bloody and brutal murder was nothing compared to giving birth.
How all those women with their bodies enormous and weirdly deformed by the entity gestating inside them could be so cheerful, so freaking placid about what was happening - and going to happen - to them was beyond her scope.
But there was Mavis Freestone, her oldest friend, with her little pixie body engulfed by the bulge of belly, beaming like a mental defective while images of live birth played out on the screen.
...Maybe pregnancy stopped certain signals from getting to the brain.
...She'd rather study a crime scene recording - mass murder, mutilation, severed limbs - than look up at some laboring woman's crotch and watch a head pop out.


I actually think pregnancy is much worse than this.

So Casey is whining that she put on 5 kilos. If memory serves me right that means she is still 15 kilos lighter than me.

But I like food, so whatever. Haha.

Final Assignment for the year in.

Dvds; rented.

Chocolate; bought.

Books; ready to read.

Spring; finally warm!

WIN.

This amuses me. And gives me hope. I voted for Shia. :) Lol.

So you know how we all have that movie that no matter how long between watching it you can still quote it word-for-word? Turns out mine is the Labyrinth, lol.

BOOKED MY FLIGHT TO GO BACK TO QUEENSLAND!! Eeeeee!! I can't wait!

Watched Glee last night (duh). I cried myself to sleep. I'm so lonely, I haven't cried that hard in months. It's always there, and I've cried of course, but this was that gut-wrenching body-racking kind of crying, with the pounding headache and the most unattractive of all the crying.

It was horrible, I couldn't even go talk to my best friend. I needed to go just cry, I didn't even need to talk, I just wanted a hug or something. But she doesn't want to know about it. She'd just end up mad at me and not talking to me. Loneliness added onto more lonliness.

Tomorrow's to-do list.

1. Get up at 7:30 to have a shower and wait for groceries be delivered. Really get up at 7:45 and answer door still in pj's.
2. Walk into Mowbray to buy 2 things. Really catch bus into Mowbray, buy 10 things.
3. Dye hair. Really dye the bathroom walls a little more and stain my shoulders, neck and top.
4. Do assignment. Really facebook.

Casey: "I've eaten 4 donuts today.." *guilty look*

Me: "I've eaten 4 crush TimTams, 6 lamington finger, half a box of shapes, half a choc-caramel barvarian, a cheeseburger and 2 coffees." Like, that was my whole day, at least her donuts were between decent meals. Lol.

No wonder I'm fat. Meh.








Please note; this is not a usual day for me.



Though lately it has been more commom. Junk food is cheap, and I am poor. Lol.

A guy asked for my advice on a car he is thinking of buying last night. It made my day. Also, he has good taste. Lol.

One sentence into writing my long put-off essay, pushing through a shocking headache and now next door is mowing their lawn. It's very noisy. I might cry.

I have to write a 2000 word essay on why Medea and Aclestis can be considered heroic. If you're a scorned woman Medea is your idol. I have no idea who Aclestis is. But, I can tell it's going to be a total bitch trying to get 2000 words out of this.

I want to cry. I want to yell and scream and throw things. These next two assignments have the potential to shatter my already fracture psyche.

Halleluja

So I've been freezing and hibernating so long I forgot what it felt like to be hot. But today, I'm wearing shorts and a t-shirt and sitting in my room, and I'm almost hot. Last night I was sweating under just one blanket.
I nearly cried.
:)

Soooo.. Sorceror's Apprentice is win. Epic win, even.
The dude has a Buzz Lightyear alarm clock. I turned to Casey when I saw it and said I want one. After the movie, we went to Target...and I FOUND THE SAME ONE! So I lay-by'd it :) 70 bucks, but meh. So worth it.
We also got nerf guns and attacked the guys when they came home. :)
But I've had a headache all day. And my neck was worse than usual. But meh.

Soo, got up early, got my groceries delivered. Yay, coz it's heavy and I do fornightly shopping and it was free delivery so I'm happy.





Then I had uni. My god, was it windy. I hate wind, I would have preferred rain. I spent my lecture doodling. I'm pretty proud of my doodlings, I suck at drawing but these turned out pretty good, lol. Except for my first attempt at a Catholic cross where I had a brain spaz. But I like my tree. Lol.

Then I went to buy more groceries. Actually, I waited for like 15 minutes in line at the post office, when I was the first person in line. I only had half an hour to do that, get groceries and get over to the bus, so I got frustrated. Then at the check out the lady finished serving the customers in front of me (who clearly had too many items to be in the express lane anyway) and kept talking to them and didn't serve me, I wanted to yell at her.

So yes, that was boring, but everything I hate about Tasmania managed to condense itself into 4 hours of my life.

Also, I am stuck and confused. I want to teach. I think. I am torn. I am two personalities (I'm not claiming to have the mythical DPD or whatever). I want to teach, I feel like I would love it. Then I think, I want something with more of a rush, more adrenaline, but what? I feel like everything would be too boring until I get to the point where I would have to be a deadly mercenary or something, and then it would be too much and I would flip-out and break down in a month. One extreme or another. I mean, one side craves the need to face death everyday, the other side just wants stability. So I have no clue.

Gah.

Sociology assignment handed in. Like all my other assignments, it kind of falls apart at the end due to stress, time running out, frustration and eventual apathy.
It was on how masculinity has changed through the ages. It was interesting. I managed to insult today's generation in the last sentence.

I then rented movies and bought chocolate and pizza to de-stress and reward myself. Well, because I wanted to.

I just watched Wolverine: Origins. In me looking up what Gambits ability actually was, I discovered Cyclops died in The Last Stand. I honestly don't remember that...so who is going to take over X-Men and hook up with the White Queen? I suppose they've skirted that issue for the moment, since the next movie is about Xavier and Magneto as youngin's, but still.
Also, it's 11:30 pm, I was too lazy to turn the t.v. off and I totally forgot about the end bit after the credits. It's uber creepy, wish I hadn't seen it, lol.

I envy you.
I'm pretty sure I've moved to resentment.
I'm going to hate you.

It's happening again.

I had a shower. I kept turning all the cold off, and gained 2nd degree burns. In my head. It was a close one.
Then I just sat wrapped in my towel, I knew if I came back into my room I would hurt myself.

This is what happens. When I feel like this, it's you or me.

So on Saturday, Casey and I were going to invite some mates over, then Daniel said the same thing and we were like "whoo house party!".

Now Casey is going to Jenna's, who was one of the girls meant to be coming here. I'm going to be here with a bunch of randoms I have never met, including Daniel's girlfriend, who is absolutely gorgeous, and so I am assuming her friends will be too, and oh yeah, fucking social anxiety and depression that these days is soley triggered by how much I hate my physical appearance.

If I lived somewhere half-decent, I would avoid the inevitable self-harm fest by going out and doing things I know would cheer me up and keep my mind off things. But I can't do that. No transport to anywhere.

Cory Monteith and Leah Michele singing on The Simpsons! Argh!! That is soooo much awesomeness!! lol

I WON A DOUBLE PASS TO SEE THE SORCERORS APPRENTICE. Haha. I'm pretty excited, I so rarely win things. And I realllly wanted to see this movie but couldn't afford to, now both Casey and I get to see it. XD

Tomorrow, Casey, the nursing student, is studying brains in the lab. I really want to dress up as a zombie and burst in.
I don't have a costume :(

*shakes head*

Got a parcel from Ma today :) Contained King Arthur on dvd, photos from when I visited in QLD, a gift card for the supermarket and SLEEP HELPY STUFF! Lol. Fark I hope it works.

First day back to uni today. Being awake at 3am, I skipped the lecture to stay in bed and stare at the ceiling a little longer. However, when getting up and ready I looked in the mirror and was stupidly happy with what I saw - and this was pre-coffee and anti-depressants and sleep-deprived. Philosophy was amusing as always (the tutorial) then I went and got a refund from the bus people - kind of, it will go back into my account at some stage. I have been craving honey chicken for the last few weeks, but was bitterly disappointed on eating it. Spent lots of money on very little flavour or moisture. Lol. Meh. Traded in some books, got 2 new ones and $4, lol. Went grocery shopping and got snack food :/ donuts, icecream, arrowroot biscuits to put nutella on... well that was it I guess, lol. And bread and milk, as always.

I have my sociology tutorial tomorrow, and realised an assignment that has barely been looked at due next week. I was going to start over the holidays, time just got away.

Meh.

Now, hopefully I am off to sleeeeep. Lol. Night, y'all.

Recurring thoughts that enter my head that I cannot stop nor control:

Me, having someone slam my face into a counter, blood spewing from my nose. That's it, then it fades as quickly as it comes. Wtf?

Me, having a noose thrown around my neck from behind and pulled up. That's it, I don't die, I don't get free, the thought doesn't even last long enough for me to start struggling.

Me having a baseball bat swung into my chest, but it shatters.

I don't get it either. But they show up randomly, and it's sort of only just occured to me. Lol. There's a great deal of apathy from the me in these thoughts, no real reaction of pain or anything. I mean, why would there be? But it's still odd.

My bleeding heart.

Yes. Nothing like going on teenhelp.org (which I love by the way) and talking to a girl who wants to kill herself. I mean, its a site where you go to help and be helped, so that's fine.
But it's so hard, I don't know her, I don't know her life, I don't know what help is truly available to her. I did my best, but the poor girl is so isolated, home schooled, lives with a dad who doesnt believe she needs help. Eventually having told her the best I could I directed the conversation towards her hobbies and favourite movies and tv shows, etc. By the end she seemed a little better, I 'friended' her, and I really hope she finds a way to get help and make things better.
I am now talking to someone I actually know, attempting to help. Far out, there is way too much depression in this world.

Damn straight.

You know it. ;)

Handed in my volunteer application to the RSPCA. It's an hour and a half walk, and it's not even an easy walk, but work it for the puppies and kitties :) haha

Reasons to live.

This isn't necessarily all that serious.

Books.
Warm croissants with ham and cheese.

...wow, a long list I have there. Haha.

I is boredd. I washed my hair, then I put it in a plait, so it will be all wavy when I take it out tomorrow.

I am going to uni to print out some history readings, and a volunteer form for the RSPCA. I'm gonna walk down and hand it in, I really hope I can work there.

I had sausage sammiches for tea. I never feel like them until I cook them, the smell brings back memories. And they are $4.24 for 8, and I'm really cracking down to save to either go visit Brett in Arizona at the end of next year, or go to London or something. Somewhere.

Gosh I miss Queensland.

I still smile when I remember when I was playing the Buffy game on sony for the first time in months, I was being attacked by vampires and couldn't remember the controls. I was screaming at the tv "WHAT IS JUMP??" then burst out laughing when I realised.

Oh yeah, not getting the wolf tattoo now. A friend of a friend got a wolf...with "Team Jacob" written around it. It occured to me a lot of people would be getting wolf tattoos. So I'm probably going to get "Ma" and "Daddy", one on each wrist, small, simple, pretty font.

So I know this girl.

She's amazing.

She's so sad.

It breaks my heart.

There is no god.

Her pain is proof. She's so wonderful, no god would allow her to be so upset.

Sudden wave of misery.

I don't know what to do.

Gothic churches, hugged by emerald blades of grass.
Trees that struggle to adorn themselves with foliage,
just in time to be stripped bare once again by winter.
Their branches reaching, straining to reach the steeple.

A cottage, kept company by a mint green FJ Holden,
sunning itself in the light not hindered by the Weeping Willows that flank it.

Winter toparies,
harsh naked branch contorted into a fish, a hen and a family of deer.
Hollow gazes keeping watch on weary travellers.

Fingers of smoke, curling slowly to embrace a lonely field,
emanating from a small fire that will grow
to devour it's surroundings in it's untamed glory.

A flock of sheep, several dozen strong,
knowing the beautiful sunset
is followed by yet another bitterly cold night
to be endured.
Among them stands a lonely bovine,
it's white leather hide
splattered with black,
marking it as the black sheep.

Young lambs,
still new to the world,
still able to enjoy it,
bound across greener pastures
in their clumsy, innocent gait.

Train tracks,
winding through green hills,
the setting sun reflecting off their cool steel.
Meticulously maintained
for a train that now spends it days gawked at
as a marvel of history,
unmoving.

Family homes at the end of long dirt roads,
their owners clinging
to an apple pie life of so long ago,
those days are gone.

The tired truck driver
desiring to return to a waiting family.
It is a fast-food dinner
and a tasteless beer
that awaits him.

The fence,
once standing stalwart and proud
against malicious intruders,
now a crumbling and useless eyesore.

Green fields, once home
to thriving forests,
flowing rivers,
families of
twittering animal life,
watchful mothers,
hard working fathers,
laughing children
and lazy sundays,
now a mere obstacle
separating cold, impersonal cities.

My weekend.

So on Friday, everything went wrong, but then kind of right. I nearly missed the bus into Launnie coz at the bus stop I remembered I left my phone on my bed. My internet wouldn't load my bank, so I had to scramble to find a pay phone in Launceston to put money into my account. I had to then wait to be put through to customer service to set up a password, then I had to do the actual banking. I went to get breakfast, ordered a bacon, egg and cheese toastie. Checked into the bus, he's all like "You haven't paid" so I paid again, when I got home I checked my bank and emails and I have now paid twice - so I need to go yell and get a refund. Then I sat down to eat breakfast, and it was the wrong order. So I had to go back.
After all that, I was exhausted from the stress. So I checked in early, but I went for a walk - it took me foreverrrr to find somewhere just to buy milk. Then I crashed from 3 - 8, and spoke to Ma somewhere in there, haha, I barely remember it.

I woke up at 8 and nearly slept right through but decided to get KFC for dinner.

Markets on Saturday :) I miss going to markets, I bought Ticktock by Dean Koontz, and so I am now terrified of rag dolls. I also bought a cat magnet to send to Betty, she loves her cats :) And it's made from bread dough! I had fogotten allll about that until I saw it on Saturday, Ma taught me how to make it as a kid. I also bought handmade fudge, it was three bars for $10, so I got chocolate (duh), tassie tiger (chocolate and caramel, I was really looking foward to it), and a kahlua one for Casey. Somewhere along the line I lost my caramel one coz the bag broke :(

Went shopping. For lunch I ordered a chicken burger, somehow ended up with a cheese burger and chips...ok. Got a new gold necklace and earrings and bracelet - Diva was having a sale, lol.

Ohh went to Hogs Breath for dinner, had the best chicken ceasar salad everrr. And the biggest piece of mudcake with icecream, whipped cream and the plate covered in hot fudge sauce. I nearly died when I saw it, lol. Yummmmyyy.

Next day, more shopping. Got new sunnies, yay! A denim vest, black singlet with kind of ruffles at the front..more chocolate. Full length tights, a bracelet, Maccas for lunch! God, their burgers just keep shrinking don't they?

On Monday I checked out and went and saw Salt. Now, I pretty much detest Angelina Jolie, but Daddy saw it and said it was good, and it did look alright, and I like Belthazar Getty, so I saw it. I actually liked Angelina in it. She's doing better roles than she used to, she was just an objectified sex symbol and I really just wanted to punch her characters. But now, yeah, I like her for the most part.

Went op-shopping, 2 new tops, yay. Had a coffee at Gloria Jeans and read Ticktock. Then got the bus home. I stared out the window for the most time, the sun was setting half-way through, and I saw some odd and pretty things, and wrote a poem in a burst of inspiration.

Songs I would love to see done on Glee;

Keeping in mind here in Australia we haven't gotten past the first season :(

I need a Hero - Pat Benetar.

Walking in Memphis - Mark Cohen, Lonestar (my favourite version is Lonestar, Casey likes the original, so whatever)

When you're good to Mama - Queen Latifa on the Chicago soundtrack, I would love to see Mercedes belt this one out :)

Wild at Heart - Gloriana.

Baby it's cold outside.

Revolution.

Stay. Oh my God, Sugarland almost puts me into tears with the emotion in this one, I can't imagine how one of the cast of Glee wouldn't :)

...that's all I have so far.

Teh interwebz is shitting me. It's uber slow and crap. I believe there is someone in zee house downloading, not only illegally but disrespectfully. I hope it's just having a spazzy day because I have an assignment I need to work on.

I watched G.I. Rise of Cobra today. I loved it. I was told it was not very good - but dude, so epic. Well not that epic, but I'd buy it. I didn't see those twists coming - though I should have. I think normally I would have, but I was facebooking and frontiervilling at the same time so I wasn't thinking about it too much. But it made it so awesome, haha.

Still depressed. It still haunts me. I get "you know, your mood changes are so sudden, maybe you have bi-polar?" Well, I think I am for more than that - I go from sleeping like a rock to not at all, I go very quickly from no motivation to a productive whirlwind and yes, on the outside my emotions do seem to change in a matter of seconds. That's not what really happens, what really happens is my control goes from waivering but holding to crashing down. That big black dog throws itself at my barriers, over and over and eventually the barriers break. It also seems to wake up at night. It's growling and barking and attacking as we speak. The barriers are holding for the moment, but there are cracks. Im just at the angry stage at the moment, though still for the most part repressing it.

This is the "making stupid decisions" stage though. I ordered pizza for dinner because I really didn't want what I had out. I mean, I really, really didn't. I can't afford pizza for dinner. Financially or fat-wise. Gah.

Oooh I saw The Expendables on Friday. EPIC WIN times infinity :) I do so love Sly, and Jason Statham is my favourite actor, and just all the others that I absolutely adore that were in it. I quite like Mickey Rourke in movies. Ah yes, a most excellent movie. The story line a tad weak, but who cares. Haha.

I can't win. Last night, I came up to my room as soon as I knew I was losing it. As soon as I knew I was about to bring everyone down. I have depression, that's a fact. I am trying to control it, but sometimes I can't. And having just started a new pill, my chemicals are a little unstable right now.
So I came upstairs, left everyone else out of it (yeah, I ranted on here, but I know for a fact none of them read this) and tried my hardest to do the right thing.
But, they are all in the loungeroom - and sound in this house carries. Apparently I am just the worst person ever, an attention seeker.
Sorry for wanting my best friend to ask me if I am ok, even though I would smile and say I'm fine, it would be nice to be asked.

My best friends name is Stanley.
He's not very good for me, or so I thought.
I had a friend (or so I thought) take him away.

I realise he was there for me when I needed him. Needed a friend.
I rescued him.
Now it's me and Mr. Knife against the world.
He'll be here when no one else cares enough to be.

It just occured to me, when Casey was upset I spent hours in her room talking to her and trying to cheer her up. The next day I bought her flowers, took her out for lunch and out shopping. Kyran messaged her to ask her if she was ok.

I'm upset, and it's just me. No one cares in the slightest.

I really am alone.

I can't do this. It's just not going to work. Another 50 odd years of this? Meaningless days. I have nothing to look foward to. I get up. Go to uni. That's it. I attempt to sleep. I wait for uni to roll around again on weekends because I am cooped up all day.
No one cares. I am alone. It's just me. I'm barely even here myself. I was just seriously considering munchausens. I thought I could down some cleaner right before a uni class. Someone might care when I start coughing up blood in a lecture. Of course, they might only care enough to tell me to die quietly.
I crave violence. I scare myself with it. People care when you do bad things. Attack people. Kill people. They pay attention then.
I won't be surprised if I snap one day.

Falling from grace.

Goodbye manic mood, hello depressive mood.

Wtf.

Why, why do I care so much? Why the hell would I? It's not like I want you back in my life, I don't. But dammit if you can't ruin my day by being happy with someone else. The fact that I don't make you smile anymore kills me. I suppose it's that envy of mine again. You've moved on and got some awesome stuff going on - and, well, Im the same as always. I don't know.

Self restraint is...not applying more pressure.
Self hate is...wishing I had an abusive boyfriend. Wanting to be hit by a car. Some kind of disorder where my brain just put me in pain all day, every day whether I'm actually hurt or not.

I saw someone that looked just like you today.

One part of me wanted him to get hit by a car when I watched him cross the road.

The other part of me wanted him to come over and talk to me.

A vortex.
Confusion, endless.
A paradox.
Time crawls, time flies.
A void.
It is nothing.

Begging for release.
Pleading for freedom.
Tears of agony flow.
Frustration prominent.

So close yet so far away.
Simple desire, unattainable.
Peace, out of reach.
Out of mind.

More damage.

The house is full again, and I just had a dawning realisation that the thought of having to socialise terrifies me. I get along with them, they are great and nice - but...I don't know. I time going down to the kitchen so that I don't have to talk to anyone. I stay in my room all day when because it seems to be the only place I feel remotely comfortable or safe.

Now I realise my anxiety really was getting worse - but tapered off when everyone left for the holidays.

Charming.

I continually fantasize about being beaten and tortured, because I hate myself much I wish someone would hurt me like that. A quick death is too good for me, and I can only damage myself so much.

Aww yeahhh...

Pretty sure tomorrow is going to be awesome. I have uni orientation, and will have over 5 grand in my bank account! Hellz yeah. Saving it, and planning a contiki tour.

Whispers flutter through empty hallways,
The sound a mimic of the crows flapping wings.
They repeat a stark reminder,
Of who you are and who I am not.
To the world I smile and love,
But behind these eyes,
Black birds crave to eviscerate.

Fuckity fuck fuck. I hate insomnia. I hate it, hate it, hate it. I am exhausted, and I just want sleep but my brain won't shut up and time passes so slowly and I lie in bed for hours without getting to sleep.
It's so horrible. I hate it.

Woof.

So I finally picked my tattoo. I think it is going to be bigger than I intended because instead of my ankh, Im getting a pretty darn cute wolf :) I shall name him Buck, as in Jack London's "Call of the Wild". Still on my wrist, just, bigger, lol.

I have a list of stuff I want, Tattoo has been there the longest though. I was going to get it with my birthday money, but I'm not really sure where that went. Nothing ever goes to plan. Ignore the writing in the background, he may also yet be altered.

Hell of a day.

Ergh. Throwing up. Can't tell if I'm sick or it's stress related. Supposed to pay rent today, but (and yes I realise how white trash this sounds) centrelink hasn't paid me. It's a week and a half late. I really don't like not being able to pay rent.

I am assuming my payment should also be changing today considering it's the beginning uni orientation week, which is mandatory. But nothing appears to be happening with that.

I really should have gotten a parcel today, I've been awake since 8 in paranoia that I would miss them delivering it and they wouldn't just leave it at the door. Ma posted it Tuesday. I want my trackies! Lol. It's not that big of a deal, just expectation leading to disappointment really.

It was -1 degree at 10 o'clock today. How does it not snow here?

Oh my effing god. It's 1 degree and you can bloody tell. This house does not retain heat at all.

I'm all cried out.

Lie to me.

My life is such a waste. I know, life is what you make it - but I know that no matter what I am always going to feel like this. I expect so much of myself - but I'm fractured. One side of my screams and rails to be a success, to be something important to the world. The other side knows it's impossible, the other side knows it can never be good enough. I am weak and pathetic.
I spend my life daydreaming, because of my damaged psyche it is surprisingly realistic to me. I am fairly certain the one good shock in my life could send me to an institution - and my god I nearly pray for that to happen. I would be happy you see, in my head I will be everything I want to be, need myself to be, everything I know I never will be in reality.

You say goodbye, and I say hello.

2 dawning...wait, 3, dawning realisations today.

1. I have splitting headaches from having my jaw clenches so tightly all day.

2. I think the reason I cry so much watching Glee and Supernatural is because I spend my whole life fighting back tears. Glee and Supernatural gives me an excuse.

3. So. In Glee, The Power of Madonna episode - poor Finn, he sleeps with Santana and then wonders why he doesn't feel any different (he is such a cutie like that lol) but he says "I don't feel anything because it didn't mean anything". I don't know, maybe it doesn't feel different anyway, but I suppose on some level after, you should feel different - after the first time with anyone, you know? Emotionally. But maybe that some stupid girly fairy tale way of looking at it, and therefore would not affect me in the slightlest, haha. But my dawning realisation was maybe this is true and would explain a thing or two in my own life.

You know, I tell people that I have no idea what I want to do with my life. That's...well that's not true. I know exactly what I want my life to be. But I really can't do anything about it, don't try to tell me I can - if I told you what I want my life to be, you'd understand. I tiger can't change it's stripes and all that. Mostly, I'm just here, killing time until some great revelation comes into my life where I then can make my life what I want it to be - or I die.

Life sucks.

I dreamed a dream...

Once upon a time I would have said, I may have insomnia but at least I get to have lots of dreams (that I remember). Er, that sounds odd - I mean it takes me forever to get to sleep, no matter how exhausted I am, then I get tiny snatches of sleep that never turn into deep sleep so I never get past the light stages where you dream. I wake up every 20 minutes or so and remember some dreams I had.
They used to be nothing but nightmares, I couldn't remember a single time I had just a nice dream. That changed sometime this year, not sure when, I had great dreams. Then I went back to nightmares. Now it's really neither. Every night for the last 2 weeks or so I have dreams, then I wake up, but I am actually still dreaming, and I talk about the dream-dream I had. And that dream-dream is without fail always about how lonely I am. I find someone, then they disappear and I am left all by my little lonesome in the dark. Or it's a search, just me wandering around looking for someone. I know subconscious, I know.
Dreams used to be an escape for me, I looked foward to them. Now I am doomed to suffer this incredible loneliness in all states of consciousness.

Gah.

I am really sick of old men talking to me when I go out. I'm sorry, I'm just not gracious enough. I'm pretty sure I'm going to start dressing like I did in the good ole' days. Maybe people yelled stuff at me - but at least I don't have to have conversation with them.

I hate my new doctor. She seems to be working in the wrong place and like she doesn't have the patience for us. And now she wants me to have a pap smear. I cannot emphasise the force behind "NO" to that. No. No. No. No. No. Hell no. But I can't swap, she's the only bulk-billing doctor in the whole damn city.

The stories I tell...

Argh. Just when I thought these last 2 weeks would offer me a chance to save - not so much. And there is a possibility I cannot pay rent - as distasteful and trashy as this sounds - for some reason centrelink hasn't paid me. Gotta go in tomorrow for a doctors appointment so I hope it gets sorted out then.

Did I tell you I bought a holographic Toy Story cup? I did. And a Toy Story drink bottle. I'd like to tell you I bought so I would save money by not having to buy drinks at uni - but really, it was a Toy Story drink bottle.

I'm a daydreamer. I am constantly daydreaming, like, today I was reading a book - I could still tell you what happened even though at the same time I had a whole other story running through my head. The reason I stay in bed so late is not to sleep more, it's to curl up all cosy and daydream. My stories, they are what I wish my life could be - that sounds obvious, but even in this stories I face hardships and obstacles, I don't dream to have it all handed to me - though at the same time I do. I dream about being a hero. About doing something important - whether is saving one life or a hundred. I build that Impala or Challenger (it varies) and I live in it. For a while anyway. Then I move to a cute little cottage that I design myself. No bedroom, just a big soft bed set into the floor in the corner of my very open living room with a curtain that goes across the end of the bed. I live simply you see. Vegetable garden, apple trees and grape vines. Chickums. Vegetarian. Licence to take care of injured wildlife when they've been found and taken to the vet and need somewhere to heal, you know the deal. I'm still isolated, I still don't really have friends but that suits me, I have my animals, referred to by me as my kids. I'm adopted, and have twin brother that I instanty click with when he tells me this. I'm not sure why this always shows up in the story line - but it's about the only constant in an otherwise ever-changing world, as all I have just described is "this weeks episode" so to speak. I won't lie. Corey Monteith has been showing up a lot. Before him it was Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles and their girls. I think that's a "I'm not good at making up my own characters" thing more than anything though - I mean it's never a love story - even my daydreams are too realistic for that. My novels are somewhat successful. And of course I'm gorgeous (that's where the adopted thing comes in handy - along with some rather science fictiony gene engineering thing). Got big soft black curls - with a few brightly coloured. Green eyes, perfect pale complexion and an amazing body that could kick anyones ass - I do also live a rather violent life. Of course I can dance and sing. Play piano and guitar. And paint, sometimes I paint. I have some great ideas for paintings - if only I could produce them in real life, they'd be awesome. Oh I don't live in Australia - though I haven't really picked anywhere specific yet. I am still damaged and broken, but I'm also pretty much fearless. I have pets - lately it's been two bunnies named Ellen and Jo and two border collies named Finn and Puck. The Impala is John. The Challenger is Cassidy. The car names never change.

I'm not sure why I wrote all this, I just had to.

Life isn't worth living if you have to pay for electricity in Rome.

Im watching Butterfly on a Wheel, or, The Wheel for the Americans. It has Corbett and Ellen from Supernatural and Alex Krycek from X-Files. Put that with Gerard Butler and it's worth having to put up with skeevy Pierce Brosnan and his terrible Irish accent.

I wanted to make sweet and sour pork for dinner but I could not for the life of me find peanut oil at the supermarket.

Once upon a time...

It was a heroic battle. Against a ruthless opponent I battled day and night - oh yes, one of each. It conquered my territory, turned my own against me while I stood outside the gates and let forth a warcry filled with rage and beat against the huge wrought iron bars, seemingly to no avail. The Virus, who had successfully convinced my guards (aka; very expensive Norton Security, Premier Edition) that nothing was wrong, that all was as it should be, laughed maniacally in it's new chambers. It took over the village people and brainwashed them (aka; tried to tell me all my files were corrupted) and offered me a place at it's right hand (which I swiftly and repeatedly clicked 'no' to. The few loyal and brave that were trapped in the village yet refusing to follow this evil Virus, were silenced (aka; the Virus wouldn't let them open). This Virus was a cunning magician and could disguise himself as one of the commoners. My guards, though as idiotic and lazy as they were, noticed the evil emmanating from the Virus the moment before it spread it's tentacles of evil through my kingdom and had time to note this in their manifest. I needed a name, I felt that uncovering it's true name would give me what I needed to de-throne this horrid plague. And so, using my womanly charms I seduced the guards and gained access to this manifest (clicked 'security history' in the Norton menu). It took hours to read through, it turns out I had under-estimated my guards and this manifest was highly detailed. Skipping over the noting of birds flying over the gate and every entry and exit by villagers and knights, I finally discovered what I was looking for. They had turned away this stranger - the one who was now being fed grapes by my hand-picked sexy servants, and had made a thorough description of the unknown wanderer. He must have gained entry another way, a chick in my kingdom's defenses (I made a note to rectify this once I took back control). I tracked down his history, where he came from, who he associated with (found the file in my computer). He was protected by some dark magic, I discovered none could touch him. Many had tried and yet he appeared to be immortal, protected by an unseen force (should have known pressing 'delete' would have been too easy). Just when I was ready to give up, relinquish what was rightfully mine - someone came to me. They claimed to know this Virus, they were both students under the same mentor. This samaritan told me this mentor of theirs held the secret to the Virus' demise. With many thanks and a few chickens, I left that kind stranger and tore apart the Realm looking for this mentor. I will not bore you with the details of my journey (unplugged my computer and pulled the battery out so I could start it in Safe Mode) but I found this mentor. For days, days! I tortured the evil Hitler-youth-creating bastard, and finally he surrundered to me a safe (see what I did there?) the held the Virus' soul. For as long as his soul remained in this world he would remain safe from fatal harm. The trouble with this, as I learned, is the sould must be made corporeal, tangible, so that it may be contained. With my broadsword (cursor) I shattered the lock (started Task Manager), and with a victorious cry I drove my weapon into the black twisted shadow held in the safe - destroying, once and for all, this curse, this plauge, this Virus, freeing the world of all evil (deleted some random thing). There was an almighty blue flash! It engulfed the Realm, and for a moment I experienced the sensation of pure horror, I was convinced I had been tricked and brought about armaggedon. It receeded as quickly as it appeared, however, and I turned to look out the entrance to the cave I had found the mentor in. The world was beautiful, the grass was greener than it had ever been, the sky bluer and the animals healthier. For days, the villagers of my kindgom celebrated and feasted and brought me gifts of all kinds to display for me their gratitude at being set free from the Virus' clutches, for now they saw how they had been tricked. Tales of my heroics and determined loyalty to my kingdom reached all corners of the land, and all was right again in the world.


The End.

Fark off.

So, went to bed about midnight, 1 o'clock last night. On the verge of a deep sleep when THE MOST AGONISING PAIN EVER tears through me. It was always bad but since I stopped taking the pill, period pain as been horrifying. Weak and dizzy and crying and slightly delirious. I had no pain killers and lying down made it worse. I had the cramps, my insides tearing apart and for some reason my right hip and leg we aching something fierce. I didn't get back to bed until 6 when it calmed down enough for me to lay down. So I didn't get up until 2. Ergh.

But, what I was really going to blog about was the Entitled ones. Gosh, I sincerely hope that if I have kids they do not turn out as molly-coddled mamas boys or daddys girls that rely way too much on technology and flaunt what they have. People who look at you like you are crazy when you say you don't use electric blankets - dude, get another doona or flannel pj's? People who can't fathom a bathroom cabinet not filled with every over the counter pain killer and then some. People who think struggling for money means they have to own 1 car, when they have 10 million laptops, Austar, a giant plasma, travel overseas every other year. Like that chick on Packed to the Rafters, though she is an over the top example.
I am damn fucking proud of the way I can live, taking the dirt road - as the old song goes. I mean it isn't something I have to work towards, it's how our family was raised - you know, in the real world? In reality?
I don't want to turn around one day and realise that my teenagers, adults, are so dependant on me they can't spend one night alone without having coniptions, separation anxiety on your first day of day care is one thing, but you know... I don't want to realise they don't know the value of a dollar and how to save or expect to have everything without really working for it. I don't want to see them look down their noses at people because they have made different choices in life.

Sometimes I feel like this. C has her licence and my god do I feel belittled for not having mine. I got my learners then I moved - you know, I took a chance, I left my parents behind and lead my own life? So anyway, here you have to have a certain number of hours on your learners which I obviously can't get since I don't have anyone to drive with. It never bothered me, I like the environmentally friendly and cheaper public transport. But now I feel so patronised by everyone. It makes me angry, like I mean all the time, it just simmers in my mind.

Tra-la-la..

Ew. Watching True Beauty. It makes me feel better about myself, lol. I can't say the guys are good looking either. Not looks anyway. And that chick is wear a shirt and tights, I could've hugged Carson when he said "She's not wearing any pants". TIGHTS ARE NOT PANTS! Lol.

Anyway, having an insomnia phase, complete with a binge eating, er, binge. Im bracing myself for the inevitable anorexia phase to follow.

OH MY GOD! Biggest news of the decade, rented a movie called Hybrid today - starring Cory Monteith, also known as Finn, or Terry in "Wendigo" (Supernatural episode) haha. He becomes a wolf-boy. Not a werewolf, so not gross and hairy and drooly, but absolutely sexy and dangerous and hunter-like that doesn't wear a shirt very often with wolf eyes. Actually he is shirtless on the cover - I didn't even notice until hours after I got home. It's like the Supernatural scene when Sam walks out of the bathroom in just a towel and all I thought was "what a hideous towel". See I'm not as shallow as I make myself out to be. I just like the sexy dangerous hunter thing...

That being said, I also rented the new Friday the 12th movie coz Jared Padalecki in it. I wish I hadn't. Those movies are never good. They are the epitome of teenage horror mo isvies - a bunch of horny teenagers. I highly detest such movies. And it's always, oh they are all dead - no real plot. At least Jared's character was more sensible than they usually are in bad horror movies.

$200 for an outfit? And they can't do that? Man, I've done it for under 20 - ok extreme circumstance. But 50 and under is easy...ish. 40 bucks for a damn hair clip?? Silly.

Masquerade Ball has been cancelled. Might pick it up again later but right now I mean I am trying to organise cross institution study, thinking about moving, my mental health is taking a drastic decline and I am only just keeping it together, I start uni in a week, and all the regular day to day living shite. Should probably tell Casey. But I think we are still not talking, and this won't help.

Im gonna kill him.

I have a decision and a half to make. I want to move out. There are some places I could rent easy enough. But it's going to take money isn't it. Buying furniture. Paying the bond. Moving my stuff. I was going to save. A lot. Go visit family. Go travel. I so want to travel. It's all I have ever wanted to do. Selfish. But my god, I think staying here is insanely bad for my mental health. The stress. 5 other people. The noise. The mess of the kitchen. The disgusting hygiene habits of the guy we share a bathroom with. I need my own space, preferably a little more than 3 by 6 room. Where I don't have to time my movements in the house so I don't run into anyone. So that when the kitchen gets cleaned by the few us that do it, it's not completely filthy again 5 minutes later. I am seriously sick and tired of this house.

If only she knew...

She's mad at me now. She thinks I intentionally guilt trip her. I'm sorry my life-long depression I barely have a hold in is such an inconvenience to you. Of course I don't do it on purpose. Darling, I have accept my depression, I am almost proud of it since it had made me less ignorant and more insightful and understand and stronger. But it tears me apart when it manifests itself in such a way that it hurts those around me. I can't stop it. I have managed to recognise the signs and I try to silence it, but I don't know it's coming.

She is all like "if you have problems go somewhere else". If only she knew how much I don't take to her. If only she knew the reason I am thinking of moving out and leaving her behind is to protect her. I love her to pieces and I will miss her so much, but my depression hurts people. I have realised I have to live my life alone. I am going to have to become that angry and stand-offish and cruel girl I was in high school to keep people away from me.

Fuck you.

Im going to beat him to a bloody pulp. I am going to torture him until he is a shell of what he once was. I have already dreamt several times about killing him. They are very satisfying dreams.
The bathroom: Pee on the floor. As usual. Bottles litter the shower floor that he has knocked off the shelf somehow. Subway wrappers on the floor. Wtf? The sink is filthy. There is probably cutlery and cups in there too, its so normal I find that I don't notice anymore.

The kitchen: No bench space due to about every plate and cup and bowl being scattered on it. Food scraps and wrappers. The wok not cleaned. The cutlery draw is even a mess, just a pile of utensils been shoved in. Ants everywhere. Rubbish and boxes that are his that he leaves for someone else to get rid of, you know - to go one metre out the door and put them in the big bins. The fridge must smell and be full of mouldy food, as (there are 2 fridges) K has moved into ours because he can't stand what they have done to the other one.

There is trash all through the lounge room, bottles on the floor that we know are his, no one else here drinks ginger beer.

I am yelling. It is going to begin with "Listen to me very carefully and do not interrupt. You are an arrogant, disrespectful slob!" And end with "in this country the women are not the help, the other guys clean up after themselves without complaint and we are not here for you to leave a mess and we will clean it up, if you don't like that then you go back to your own Communist country!" He is from China you see. I am going to follow him around all day making sure he cleans top to bottom like every other person in this house has so many times - due to him mostly. We have asked and asked him. Now I am going to yell. He has broken several parts of our lease agreement, so I will also be letting him know if this behaviour continues he may well be out on his ass.

Hear ye, hear ye.

I am to journey back to yonder Launceston of the day named for Saturn. I shall be going to market to gather supplies for my future studies and spread the word about the Lady's Grand Ball. I shall also be visiting my physician so that she might tell me what is wrong with me that I am unable to sleep.
That was fun to write.
"If I wasn't any good at cleaning the kitchen I wouldn't feel like I would fulfill my duty to society as a female, thank you for your validation, male."
Kitchen jokes are funny.
I am now addicted to FrontierVille. You should add me as a neighbour. It's good, I've never been addicted to a facebook game before. At the moment I have a bear and a rattle snake in my garden, but they aren't doing any damage and I don't have the means to get rid of them.

Wax on, wax off.

In Queenstown now, and true to the generation X stereotype, my friend and I are sitting on separate laptops at the dining table, facebooking and looking up biographies of our favourite celebrities. Or rather, Alan Rickman, the sexy beast ;)

I am disappointed in myself at not having more preparation done on the advertising for my Masquerade Ball. Had a lot to deal with in the last week and so did not have time to open the bank account needed to fell the other dominos in the line.

I have just been complimented on my poetic writing - which is not strongly present in this entry of course, but still, I feel jubilant at the receiving of this praise. I am rather passionate about writing, and while I am aware not everyone had the same taste in literary styles, one thing that triggered my spiral into depression towards my last year of schooling and resulting in my failure of the year - was some rather cruel words and degrading of an assignment that I was rather proud of by my English teacher. Though it was once burned into my brain I can now not even remember her comments, I believe it was something along the lines of it not being academic enough. Guess I was always destined for fiction writing as opposed to academic scriptures.

I have been warned against taking philosophy as a university class as it may be 'frustrating' due to the inability to have an orginal thought. I now realise this may have been a compliment of sorts - in the sense that my stalwart attitude and insightful mind may cause me to feel repressed by my lecturers when they tell me my writings on the subject are not referenced enough, despite how impressive their content may be. However, I have concluded that I am an amatuer philosopher in the most basic sense and would be happy to study the great ideas and names behind them.